


40 Days of Dating

by DeanwillgodownwiththisShip



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-17
Updated: 2014-02-25
Packaged: 2017-12-23 18:18:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 23,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/929598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeanwillgodownwiththisShip/pseuds/DeanwillgodownwiththisShip
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What do you do when you're tired of the idea of dating? Two friends with opposite relationship problems found themselves single at the same time. As an experiment, they dated for 40 days.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! Another Destiel fic :) This is based on the amazing 40 days of dating project that can be found here: http://fortydaysofdating.com/about/
> 
> It's a real life project between two friends who decided to try dating each other to figure out why they keep going wrong in a relationship. It's such a cute and clever project so I decided it would make a wonderful idea for a Destiel fic!
> 
> I hope you enjoy!

 

* * *

 

“Well, thanks for tonight. I had fun, I guess.”

 

Castiel gave the man a half-hearted smile, “Yeah thanks. Um I’ll call you?” He tried to sound enthused about the idea of spending more time with Garth but the other man could not be any further away from his type.

“Look Castiel,” Garth gave him a sheepish look. “You’re great but I don’t see this working out. I’m so sorry.”

 

Castiel breathed a huge sigh of relief; at least he didn’t have to break the news this time. He smiled a more genuine smile this time. “I’m glad you feel the same way. You’re a good guy, Garth.”

 

* * *

 

He trudged up the stairs to his apartment. He wasn’t upset that things didn’t work out between himself and Garth; it was more that he felt he was never going to find someone to settle down with. He had just turned twenty-five and so far all he had was a string of unsuccessful relationships, and after tonight, even that didn’t appear to be improving.

 

 

Loosening his tie he grabbed a beer from the fridge and flopped onto the couch. Pulling out his phone he sent a message to his best friend, Dean Winchester.

 

_Another disaster date. Is it me? Is this my future? Destined to be alone forever, balding and fat from eating my feelings?_

 

A moment later his phone buzzed next to him.

 

_Dude, the moment you start getting fat and bald, I’m gone. Can’t have you scaring all the potential hook ups away. Seriously man, it’s not you. Anyone would be lucky to date you._

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The following night he was at the bar with Dean. Both of them well on the way to shitfaced. Dean had just broken up with his boyfriend, _again._ An ongoing on again off again relationship that was all kinds of unhealthy according to Castiel.

 

“Ya know Cas, I think you’re right” Dean slurred. “It must be us. We just suck at relationships.” He pointed to himself and then at Castiel, “You and me, we are young, successful, attractive guys. We _should_ be able to find dates.”

 

He looked so glum, Castiel felt the need to give him some advice… or his alcohol impaired brain apparently thought it was a good idea. “You’re afraid of commitment. You put up walls and you never let anyone close enough to hurt you.” He nodded seriously. Drunk Castiel was _awesome_ at giving advice. Possibly even better than sober Castiel and that in itself was quite a feat.

 

 

“Yeah, well you… you think everyone you meet is ‘the one’ you’re a hopeless romantic and you’re crushed every time.” Dean retaliated.

 

The words hurt to hear out loud, but Castiel knew what Dean said was true. He was so obsession with finding ‘the one’ that he dated anyone and everyone and felt a tiny part of his heart being chipped away each time it didn’t work out. He could count on one hand the number of serious relationships he’d had and it worried him, his colleagues were all settling down and starting families and he couldn’t even manage a steady relationship.

 

* * *

 

By the time Castiel made it to bed that night, he’d sobered up enough to give Dean’s words some more thought. He wanted more than anything to find someone to spend the rest of his life with, to share everything with and make a life with. He’d wanted that for as long as he could remember and it wasn’t going to change any time soon, but what he wasn’t sure of, was whether or not he could keep up this constant stream of dating. Different guys every week and none of them what he was looking for. Sure, he acted like it didn’t bother him much, but it _hurt._ Being rejected by people constantly, knowing you weren’t good enough for them. It was taking a toll on him, and he was tired of it all.

 

Castiel didn’t like the in between. He liked being in a relationship or just being single. The dating thing was just awkward. He often found himself in situations where he wished he’d written notes just to give himself something to talk about.

 

And then, of course, there was the guy who tried to make him wear a collar and asked if he enjoyed being spanked.

 

Dean had howled with laughed when he heard about _that_ disastrous date. Castiel had stopped online dating after that particular incident; clearly people lied on their profiles.

 

 

Castiel often wondered how Dean did it. He drifted from man to man, not really caring how long the relationship lasted for. He enjoyed his freedom, loved the single life and had no immediate plans to settle down. Dean dated for fun; he had no expectations and no desire to fall in love.

 

To Castiel, all he could think about was how lonely that must be for Dean. No one to come home to, no one to love, and no one to cuddle. Cuddling was the best part of having a boyfriend.

 

He’d seen it before, a flicker loneliness that passed across Dean’s face when he saw a family at the park or a couple holding hands over the table at a café. The look disappeared almost as though it was never there, Dean schooling his features and hiding his emotions behind a wall once more. But Castiel had seen it.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“So Cas,” Dean flopped onto the couch and handed him another beer. “I’ve got the most awesome idea.”

 

Instantly, Castiel was on edge. The last _awesome_ idea that Dean had, almost had them arrested. It involved lots of alcohol and the girlfriend of a seriously large biker. Castiel still has nightmares about that incident.

 

It was as if Dean had read his mind, or maybe it was the look of fear on his face that gave it away. “Don’t worry Cas, I promise it’s got nothing to do with huge men and bikes.”

 

 

He looked really excited about whatever it was. “Sam was telling me about something that Jess’ friends did. He said it totally helped them sort out all their relationship issues.” He paused, “although, they did end up together in real life, but don’t worry. I hardly think that will be a problem for us.”

 

Castiel was confused but he knew Dean well enough to know that if Dean was in a mood like this to let him speak first, and ask questions later.

 

“It’s perfect, Cas. All we have to do is date each other for forty days. We work out where each of us are going wrong with our relationships and by the end of the forty days, we will be ready to try a real relationship with someone.” Dean grinned.

 

Castiel had to admit, as far as Dean’s ideas went, this one wasn’t too bad. He had questions though.

 

“But how would this be different to us hanging out now? I mean we see each other all the time anyway. And there’s the issue of sex, real couples have sex but won’t that just be awkward for us?”  He asked Dean.

 

“There will be rules of course.” Dean answered, “Jess’ friends had a set number of dates they had to go on and a couples weekend trip.  As for the sex part, well I guess it wouldn’t have to be, you know “all the way” but maybe like mutual hand jobs or something.” Dean blushed and looked down at his feet shyly.

 

Castiel laughed softly, feeling oddly fond of the man in front of him. “I only ask because we have such a good friendship here. What if something happens and it ruins our friendship?” It was a genuine concern of Castiel’s. He didn’t know what he’d do without Dean in his life. They’d been friends since high school.

 

“C’mon Cas, it would take a lot more than a fake relationship break up to ruin our friendship. It’s not like it would even be real anyway. Just us pretending to date so we can work out our issues.”

 

When Dean put it so simply like that, Castiel couldn’t figure out why he was so worried. It was a pretty good idea, Dean wouldn’t hesitate to tell him what he was doing wrong and it could only help him when it came time to date again.

 

“Okay” He said with a smile.

 

“Okay!” Dean winked, “Let’s do this, boyfriend.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

**The Rules:**

 

1: We will see each other ever day for 40 days

 

2\. We will go on at least three dates a week

 

3\. We will see a couple’s therapist once a week

 

4.  We will go on one weekend trip together

 

5\. We will write down our thoughts about everything

 

6\. We will not see, date, hookup or have sex with anyone else

 


	2. Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 1. The first date for Dean and Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks everyone for the great response to the first chapter of this fic! It was so lovely to read all your comments and see all the Kudos already!! Here is chapter 2 for you :)
> 
> I hope you all enjoy.  
> Let me know what you think! xo

 

* * *

 

 

 

Castiel shrugged off his coat and placed his briefcase on his desk. He wasn’t really in the mood for work, too preoccupied with the following forty days and what they would bring for him and Dean.

 

There was still a small part of him that was worried about day forty-one. Would he and Dean still be in the same place? Castiel was pretty happy with their friendship. Would they be closer? Or would something happen in the next forty days that would drive a wedge between them, causing Castiel to lose his most important friend?

 

He tried to take comfort in the fact that Dean was confident they would be fine. If Dean was convinced this was going to work, then there was no reason to believe everything wouldn’t work out completely fine.

 

He sat down to try and get some work done. As much as he wished he could get away with doing nothing for a whole day, the ever-growing pile of paperwork on his desk suggested otherwise.

 

Opening his emails he saw there was a new message from Dean. Curious to see if it was about their new arrangement, he opened it and started to read.

 

_Hey Cas,_

_Did you know today is the first day of spring? Only the best season all year. I think that’s a good sign for us_ _J_

_Dinner tonight at the Fat Radish to celebrate? 8:00. I’ll pick you up._

_Dean._

 

Castiel smiled, Dean knew he loved that restaurant. It served the best roasted carrots in all of New York and he didn’t get to go there as often as he’d like to. Dean didn’t think it was that fantastic, he was more of a burger kind of guy. His idea of healthy was pie because it had fruit in it.  It was sweet of Dean to pick that restaurant for him, Castiel mused.

 

* * *

 

They day passed much the same as any other day, until at lunchtime; Castiel received a note from Dean. It was delivered to his desk by a messenger, a disgruntled looking Sam Winchester.

  

Castiel had always enjoyed the company of Dean’s younger brother, he found they both had much in common.

 

He bit back a laugh at the expression on Sam’s face and wondered what blackmail material Dean had threatened to show Jess if Sam didn’t do what he wanted.

 

“Hello Sam” He greeted the younger Winchester.

 

“You know, when I told Dean about Jess’ friends and their experiment, this is  _not_ what I expected to happen.” Sam looked resigned as though his brother’s outrageous ideas were wearing him thin. 

 

“Honestly Cas, I didn’t think you’d go through with this.” Sam said.

 

“Neither did I at first” Castiel admitted. He found it easy to talk with Sam, the younger man seemed to understand his own insecurities.

 

“But, despite saying that I would never go through with another plan of you brother’s, I think this may be beneficial to me.” He was becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of learning all his flaws by dating his closest friend.

 

“Obviously I’m doing something wrong, it’s embarrassing being rejected over and over again. At least this way, I’ll figure out where I’m going wrong and avoid the humiliation of being dumped.”

 

Sam seemed to accept that he’d given the idea a great deal of thought before deciding to go through with it.

 

“It’s going to be so weird, you and Dean going on real dates.” Sam laughed.  “He gave me this to give to you. I don’t know why he couldn’t just text you but he made me drive all the way here to pass you a note like a 7th grader.” He rolled his eyes.

 

Castiel smiled as he read the little note.

 

_Me + You x 40. Ready?_

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Dean had called up one of his old flings, Benny, the night before and arranged to go to the bar for drinks after work. It was his one last hurrah before he said goodbye to singledom and hello to forty days of an exclusive relationship with Cas.

 

No one was more surprised than him however, when he and Benny spent the entire time talking about the Forty Days of Dating project instead. It wasn’t exactly what Dean had in mind for the night.

 

“What?” He’d asked when Benny looked at him strangely.

 

“Oh, Dean. You do realise you and this Cas of yours are gonna fall in love, right?”

 

Dean almost snorted his beer he laughed so hard. “Benny, man. You don’t know me and Cas. There’s no way that would ever happen. Relax dude, never going to happen.”

 

He was still chuckling a few moments later. Honestly, the idea of him and Cas ever being more than good friends was pretty strange. That’s why he wanted to do this dating thing with Cas, it wasn’t complicated with them. There was no underlying feelings or past history to mess things up. It was just him and Cas, the same as always.

 

* * *

 

Their dinner that evening was nice. Nothing out of the ordinary for them. It felt just like a regular dinner between two friends. Dean supposed it would get more like dating once they established some plans for the following forty days. 

 

Dean wasn’t particularly fond of the restaurant they were at, but he wanted to do something nice for Cas to thank him for agreeing to do this with him. And mostly he just wanted to do something nice for Cas. They guy was always looking out for him, keeping him out of trouble and listening to him whine about crap all the time. He figured he could suffer through one night of fancy vegetables for his friend.

 

They mainly talked about their plans for dates and their trip away. They already knew pretty much everything about each other so there was no awkward getting to know each other conversation. Cas did mention his family, which was rare for him. Dean listened intently to every word Cas spoke about his family, it wasn’t often he opened up about his life with them.   Dean had never met the Novak family; he’d met Cas at high school when Cas was a boarder.

 

From what he’d learnt over the years, Castiel and his parents didn’t see eye to eye. To them, he was a disappointment. Dean couldn’t see Cas being a disappointment to anyone, he was incredibly smart and successful and he had the kindest heart. Dean had to stop the guy multiple times from taking in strays ranging from kittens to families of humans. The guy was just too trusting for his own good sometimes.

 

* * *

 

 

Dean dropped Cas home after dinner. Normally they would have gone back to Dean’s and watched a movie and had a few beers, now, they were dating and if Dean was dating, he didn’t take someone back to his apartment until at least the third date. What can he say? He’s a classy woman.

 

He walked Cas to his door and gave him a chaste peck on the cheek. Something new for them, he’d never kissed Cas in any way before, but it wasn’t awkward. It was a nice end to a good first date.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Castiel – Day one_

_Today was the first day of our forty days of dating. Dean surprised me with a short message during the day. Receiving the note was nice; it made me smile and improved my day substantially.  He took me to dinner at the Fat Radish, which is my favourite restaurant. I know I complain to him all the time about never going there but I didn’t realise he actually listened to me. It felt good to know that he cared enough to remember.  Over dinner we talked about how past relationships. I already knew most of Dean’s, he was never shy about telling me in great detail all of his experiences. Some of the things I told him were new, I don’t like to share stories about failed relationships, it only reminds me that I wasn’t good enough for those people. Tonight felt different. Dean wasn’t there to judge me, he listened. I mean really listened. I could see he cared about what I was saying and he knew it was hard for me to tell him. He gave me the confidence to talk about my family, yet another thing I’ve failed at in life, meeting my family’s approval.  I know I need to learn how to open myself up to relationships. Learn to be vulnerable and let people in, so that I can enjoy dating more._

_Dean insisted on paying for dinner, which was sweet of him. He’d been wonderful all day. I told him I’m paying for the next one; he tried to argue but I refused to back down. I don’t want him paying for everything. I can afford it and I won’t be anyone’s kept man._

_I’m already beginning to see a different side of Dean. When he kissed me on the cheek at the end of our date, he was shy and sweet at the same time. He didn’t pressure me for anything, which was good. I was a little nervous about what would happen after dinner. I’m not sure that I’m ready to do more than kiss just yet._

* * *

_Dean – Day one_

_First day of forty! This is totally easier than I thought it would be. Sure, it’s only been one day so far, but it’s been an awesome day. I sent Cas a few messages during the day and blackmailed Sam into delivering a note to Cas. I had some excellent pictures of him dressed in drag from his early teens that I threatened to show his girl._

_I took Cas out for dinner at his favourite restaurant. It was nice to see him so relaxed and enjoying his night. We talked a lot about our relationships and our families. It was good to see that Cas trusts me enough to open up more, it also made me feel better knowing that we both have some family issues. He’s a pretty intimidating guy sometimes, so it was nice to know that we have some things in common._

_I think at some stage during out “date” Cas and I both stopped for a moment and though ‘Wow I can’t believe we are actually doing this.’  We are used to hanging out just the two of us, but this was different. Somehow it just felt different, more meaningful or intense or something. I don’t know._

_Cas brought me a care package for the next forty days, which was pretty cool of him. It shows how well he knows me; he got my favourite beer, pie, some aspirin for when I inevitably complain that his constant use of huge words has given me a headache, and a mix tape of some classic rock. I gotta admit, for a nerdy little dude, he’s pretty awesome._


	3. Day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day two- Dean and Castiel's first couples therapy session.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the great feedback and for continuing to read this fic. Enjoy this chapter!
> 
> xoxo

 

* * *

 

Castiel had woken up confident and at ease with the prospect of dating Dean for the following thirty-nine days. Their date last night had gone so well and he was looking forward to seeing Dean later on.

 

Today was their first session with a couple’s therapist. It was something Castiel had insisted on when they were working out the rules. He liked reflecting on things and working out where his weaknesses lay and how he could go about working on them. Sometimes all that deep thinking was just too intense to do on his own, he needed to speak to someone who wouldn’t judge him, who didn’t know him outside of a professional environment. A counsellor was exactly what he needed to sort out his problems sometimes.

 

Castiel could tell that Dean wasn’t thrilled with the idea. After all, it required talking about their feelings to a stranger. Dean struggled opening up with Castiel and they’d known each other for years.

 

He didn’t want to make Dean feel uncomfortable, but he knew they needed to have a third party involved. If they didn’t do this, they would never talk about their problems and it would all blow up in their faces one day.  They needed to learn to communicate; they wouldn’t work if they couldn’t do that.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel met Dean in the waiting room. They both had work that day so it was easier to just meet there, rather than going together. They barely had enough time to exchange a brief hello before they were being called into their therapist’s office.

 

 

“Castiel Novak and Dean Winchester?” A petite blonde called out into the waiting room.

 

“That’s us” Castiel nodded at her and led Dean into her office.

 

“Hello there, my name is Ruby and I’ll be working with you two for a little while.” The woman smiled at them warmly, making them feel at ease.

 

She waited for them to get seated and then began speaking, “Okay, so for this first session I thought we would just cover the basics. I understand this is sort of an unconventional relationship, although I’m unclear about the circumstances. Would you like to explain the situation to me?”

 

Castiel decided to answer the first question; Dean was stiff and ill at ease beside him. He figured he would take some of the heat first and let Dean settle in some more.

 

He explained their conversation at the bar about their failed relationships and how they’d reached a decision to try dating each other. Ruby listened attentively while he spoke, occasionally writing down some notes on her paper.

 

It took a great deal of self-control from Castiel to not reach over and grab her paper and see what she had written.

 

From the way Dean’s fists were clenched and he was twitching beside him, Castiel figured Dean was having a similar problem.

 

* * *

 

“Okay. I think I’m up to speed with everything now.” Ruby smiled at them both. “Why don’t we get down to business now.” She had her pen poised and ready to scribble down more notes saying God knows what about the two of them.  Normally Castiel felt at ease in a therapist’s office, this time however, with Dean, he felt that Ruby was judging them for their decision to date. It almost felt as though she didn’t believe they would be successful. It made him reluctant to open up.

 

But he did. He had to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“So, let’s start with a simple question first.” Ruby seemed to aim her question at Dean in particular.

 

She smiled at him, but instead of feeling reassured, Dean felt even more uneasy. Her smile had an edge to it. A hint of something that he just couldn’t put his finger on.

 

“Are you two attracted to each other?” The question brought Dean out of his thoughts and back to the present.

 

 _That_ was her idea of a simple question? He’d never even thought about being attracted to Cas. The whole idea of this experiment was to work out their own issues with a person they felt comfortable with. Apart from Sam, Cas was the only other person he was close to.

 

It had never been about attraction. Sure, obviously they were going to have to move past kisses on the cheek to some real action, they were dating after all and in order for it to be the real deal they had to do what normal couples did.

 

_Was he attracted to Cas?_

 

Sure the guy wasn’t ugly. In fact he was pretty godamn hot. He was a gay man for crying out loud; he’d have to be blind to not notice that Cas was smoking hot. 

He’d flirted with Cas a few times when they first met in school, but that was just what he did. He flirted with everyone!

 

Doesn’t mean anything though.

 

He took his time to answer. “I don’t know, you know? He’s just _Cas._ He’s my best friend. He’s hot but I’ve never considered anything with him.” Dean felt like that was a pretty honest answer. He did think Cas was hot, but since they became friends he’d never even entertained the thought of a relationship with him. Cas was way too good for a guy like him.

 

“Dean is a very attractive man.” Cas said in that gravelly voice of his. Even after all these years, it still managed to amuse Dean that the growl of Cas’ voice came from such a harmless looking man.

 

“Any man would be lucky to date Dean. He catches the attention of people wherever we go.” Cas was blushing and refusing to meet Dean’s eye.

 

Huh, Dean thought, oddly pleased by the other man’s words.

 

 

The next series of questions from Ruby had Dean’s head spinning.

 

“Why are you doing this project?”

“What is the goal of this project?”

“Why don’t you actually date each other?”

“Do you _want_ to date each other?”

“Are you ready to be hurt?”

“What happens if you ruin your friendship?”

 

Dean was about to go into full-blown panic mode. He hated talking about his feelings, and being bombarded with all these personal questions was overwhelming him.

 

He needed to get out, he couldn’t stay.

 

_God he needed a drink._

He was getting lost in his head, immersed in the panic the questions had caused.

 

A warm hand landed on his thigh and he turned to meet Cas’ blue eyes. He saw understanding and concern in those eyes and began to feel more grounded by the other man’s presence next to him, his hand bleeding warmth onto Dean’s thigh, his eye’s never leaving Dean’s.

 

With Cas next to him, keeping him calm, they managed to work their way through answering the questions that were thrown at them by Ruby. Dean learnt more than he’d expected to about Cas.  For a guy who is so cautious about everything in life, he jumps head first into relationships and almost always comes out the other side, battered and bruised.

 

He loves love. The idea of love is what appeals to Cas. Dean figured it out when Cas was explaining his desire to do this project with him. For someone so strong and self-confident, Cas becomes so vulnerable when he begins a relationship. He becomes so invested in the people he dates and it’s become his downfall.

 

 

* * *

 

 

On the way home from therapy, Dean found himself beginning to get lost in his head again, without Cas there to ground him, he worried he might end up having a full blown panic attack.

 

He pulled out his phone and sent a message to Sam. He was always the smarter one in the family; he’d know what to do.

 

_Sammy, I’m freaking out here. I’m only up to day 2 and I don’t know what to do! It’s not Cas, he’s great. It’s just the fact that I have to see someone EVERYDAY. We have to make plans and commitments for every single day!_

A moment later he got a reply.

 

_Dude, relax. Seriously. It’s Cas, you see the guy everyday anyway. Think about it Dean, in the past month, how many days have you gone without seeing Cas?? Just relax and go with it. You might actually enjoy yourself, God forbid. Stop being mopey._

Dean snorted, yeah right. Like he was the mopey one of the two of them. He little brother was a hormonal teenage girl and he was calling _Dean_ mopey.

 

He had to admit, his brother did have a point.

 

It was _Cas_. The same Cas he hung out with every day since he was in high school. Nothing scary about that at all.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Castiel – Day two_

_Dean and I participated in our first therapy session today. I found the experience very worthwhile. I learnt a great deal about Dean today, though I must admit, not all of it was what I had expected. Dean was very uncomfortable during the session today; he almost had a panic attack when our therapist asked us some more personal questions._

_I have to give him some credit, however. He did stay, and he tried his best to answer each question openly. It’s more than I could have asked of him._

_One thing that was rather surprising to me, was Dean’s discomfort with my spending habits. I earn a decent salary and prefer to spend my money on things that make me happy.  I buy things for my friends and I enjoy spending my money on the people I love. What good is having money if you never use it for anything that brings you happiness?_

_I do not value people on their wealth or income. A person’s heart and personality are far more valuable than the amount of money in their possession. I thought Dean knew that about me. Perhaps not._

_Ruby asked us both why were had not dated previously in our long friendship since we both admitted to some level of attraction.  Dean was quick to respond to that question. He said he enjoyed being single and the freedom if gave him, he doesn’t want to settle down yet. He has a real problem with the way I spend my money, he sees my love of love, as he called it as a weakness, he has commitment issues and never wanted to hurt me and lastly he was afraid of destroying our friendship. These things are something we will need to talk about more I think._

_Today I learnt just how much Dean fears commitment. He was so invested in this project until I started making plans for our dates. He panics at the thought of having to see me everyday, even though that’s normal for us. We see each other most days anyway.  It’s as though the thought of committing to me scares him._

_I like planning things, I need some structure in my life. I need to be organised and plan for things. This scares Dean. Perhaps I should try things his way, try for more spontaneity and see how that works for me._

* * *

 

_Dean- Day two_

_Wow. Intense. That’s the word for today. Therapy is hardcore. It was helpful though, as much as I hated the whole session, I think I learnt lots more about Cas than I would have by just general conversation. With Cas it’s just too easy for me to shut down and not talk about the important things, I know that I can always talk to him and he’ll listen, but I also know that If I’m uncomfortable he will let me get away with not talking about it. He hates seeing people upset._

_Some of the questions Ruby asked us were so personal and honestly I’m not sure I was ready to answer them, I don’t think Cas was either but we gave it a shot. The amount of questions scared me to death but I managed to make it through the whole thing without completely losing it. I guess that counts as success._

_I wish I were better at this whole thing, for Cas. This was all my idea and yet he seems to be the one who is working so hard to make it work. I want to try harder but I have issues and they won’t just disappear after one session with a therapist._

_I finally admitted to Cas that his money bothered me. It’s not that he has money, he works hard and he deserves every cent he earns. It’s just that he spends it all so freely, most of the time he spends it on others. I can’t tell you the number of times he’s gotten beautiful things for Sammy or myself. It’s just that he doesn’t feel the need to save much, he goes paycheck to paycheck. I save._

_All my life I’ve been the one earning the money, looking after Sammy and making sure there was food on the table every night. Then the little dork went and got smart so I was working three jobs and struggling to save money for him to have a decent life. I wanted him to have everything he needed. He was a good kid, he deserved that much._

_I just don’t know that Cas understands that. I mean, it’s not like he could. Even though he knew me back then, he doesn’t know the situation our family was in. I didn’t need his sympathy then, and I certainly don’t need it now. Pity is not something I ever want from Cas. He’s one of the only people who treats me like I’m not as stupid as I am._

_I freaked after the session today but Sam helped me out a little. He was right, it’s just Cas. He’s my best friend and I can do this. It might even help me find someone to be with long term. But I have to try for Cas, because even if it doesn’t help me, it will help him._

_I just want him to be happy._


	4. Day 3

 

* * *

 

Dean’s week had been so full on. Between work and this thing with Cas, he was exhausted. He was thinking about calling Sammy and having a night in to watch the game. Normally, he would have called Cas and told him to come as well, but since they started the whole dating thing, he’d been trying to steer clear of the things they used to do regularly as friends. Besides, a night with his brother was something he hadn’t done for ages.

 

 

Dean’s phone buzzed on the table, he picked it up and saw it was a message from Cas.

 

_Hello Dean. I managed to get us two tickets for the play ‘Really Really’ tonight. It’s one of my favourites and I’ve been dying to see it for some time. Would you like to meet there? Or should we travel together?_

Well, Dean thought, there went his plans for the night.

 

* * *

 

Theatre wasn’t really Dean’s cup of tea. Sure he thought the actors were talented and he respected that, but he just wasn’t that interested in any of the shows he had been to see. His brother, the girl that he was, used to drag him out to see plays but he never understood the appeal. Why see a show with limited sets and props, when you can watch a movie or TV show at home? Plus, you’re always expected to dress up when going to a play, at home he can wear whatever he wants and be more comfortable.

 

But hey, Cas liked theatre and the guy never asked for anything. Dean could scrub up a little and deal with a suit for one night. He’ll just drag Cas along next time there's a Star Wars marathon showing at the local cinema. Cas was seriously lacking in pop culture knowledge and Dean had dedicated his life to educating him.  It was a long and sometimes testing process, but someone had to do it. Seriously, what kid has never seen or read Harry Potter? It’s a tragedy.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Standing out the front of the theatre, Dean tugged at his collar self-consciously. It felt like he was choking in the damn thing. Another reason he hated suits, they were hot and constricting and he felt like a penguin.  He never liked drawing attention to himself, feeling people’s eyes on him as they walked past made him feel like he was being judged.

 

Dammit where was Cas?

The play was due to begin in 15mins and Cas still hadn’t shown up. They’d agreed to meet at 7:00pm and it had just gone 7:45pm.

He’d called and sent Cas a few message, worried that he may have been waiting in the wrong place, and Cas was already there. But he hadn’t gotten a reply.

 

Dean decided to try sending one more message and calling him again, in case he was driving before and couldn’t pick up.

 

He dialled the number and waited.. And waited. The dial tone ringing over and over in his ear. “Come on Cas, where the hell are you buddy?”

 

No answer.

 

He sends a message.

 

_Cas, man are you standing me up? Cuz I gotta tell ya, I feel pretty stupid standing out here for close to an hour waiting for you. At least have the decency to tell me you couldn’t make it! 5 minutes, Cas and then I’m leaving._

He was really starting to get pissed off now. He made an effort and went completely out of his comfort zone, all for Cas, and the guy didn’t even show. And couldn’t bother to send Dean a text to tell him?

 

It struck Dean as odd that Cas would do that to him, but the guy was pretty scatterbrained sometimes, his mind always thinking about a million things at once. It wouldn’t be the first time Cas forgot they had plans.

 

He checked his watch again. 7:50pm. Still no sign of Cas.

 

He let out a frustrated huff of air. “Sorry Cas, I’ve waited long enough.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Dean was just getting into his car when his phone starting ringing, the noise startling him in the silence of his car.

 

He answered without even checking the display, knowing it would be Cas.

 

“Don’t tell me, you met a woman and eloped and _that’s_ why you stood me up tonight. He tried to keep his tone light, but some of the humiliation of being stood up managed to creep into his voice. “I gotta tell you Cas, being stood up doesn’t hurt any less if it’s your best friend.”

 

“Is this Dean Winchester?” A voice that was definitely _not_ Cas, asked him.

 

“Uh, yeah. Who are you?” Dean asked, he checked his phone then, looking to see the caller ID.

 

 _Cas_  

 

Who was this guy? And why was he on Cas’ phone. An uneasy feeling began building in his stomach.

 

Something was wrong.

 

 

“Mr Winchester? Are you there?” The voice called out.

 

“Sorry, I’m here. Where’s Cas? You’re on his phone.”

 

“Mr Winchester, Castiel Novak has you listed as an emergency contact. He’s been in an accident and has been taken to hospital.”

 

The man kept talking but Dean tuned out after hearing the words _accident_ and _hospital._  

 

The uneasy feeling grew into full-blown panic as he practically yelled into his phone.

 

 “Where is he? Is he ok?”

 

After getting the name of the hospital that Cas was at, Dean started up the car and tore out of the parking lot. He was lucky his dad had taught him something useful when he taught him how to drive like he was in a car chase. The hospital was a 15minute drive, but Dean fully intended to get there in 5minutes.

 

 

He didn’t know how many red lights he ran, honestly, he didn’t care. All he knew was that Cas was all alone in a hospital, hurt and scared. That was if he was even awake. Or… No he couldn’t think about Cas not being fine.

 

God he was such an _idiot._ He thought Cas stood him up. _Cas_ of all people. He stood there being pissed off at him and leaving him angry messages when the guy was bleeding somewhere on the side of the road.

 

His throat was closing up and his chest felt like it was about to burst. He couldn’t get the image of Cas, lying broken and bloody in a wreck out of his mind. A sob tore its way out of his chest, the road swimming before him, getting more and more blurred as his eyes filled.

 

He couldn’t lose it now; he needed to keep it together. He had to get to Cas, look after him. Hold himself together so he could be strong for Cas.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He burst into the emergency room at the hospital, frantically searching the room for Cas.

 

 

“Cas! Where are you? Cas?” Not seeing his friend or hearing a reply and fearing the worst, Dean couldn’t hold it together any longer. He fell to his knees, right there in the middle of the emergency room.

 

“Cas? Oh God. Cas. No. I’m so sorry. God no no no no.” The words were coming unbidden from Dean’s mouth. His brain had shut down and grief was controlling him. He couldn’t move, couldn’t think anything beyond _Cas, no. God. Why him? He can’t be gone._

 

Dean registered a man in a white coat bending down to speak with him.

 

 _Doctor._ He thought numbly.

 

“Mr Winchester? I presume?” The man looked at him, sympathy shining in his eyes.

 

That seemed to awaken something in Dean. He swung his fist square into the other man’s jaw, barely registering the pain in his hand but getting some satisfaction from seeing the doctor in obvious pain.

 

“Don’t look at me. You couldn’t save him. You’re supposed to save people and you couldn’t save the kindest, most deserving man on Earth. So don’t you dare look at me with that pity.” He hissed at the doctor, grief fuelling his anger.

 

 

‘Mr Winchester, please” the doctor tried again.

 

“Get away from me.” He glared at the man until he turned and left.

 

A small blonde nurse made her way towards him, he turned and glared at her. She flinched but kept walking. “Sir, you should put this on your hand. It’ll help.” She said, not meeting his eyes.

 

He snatched the ice out of her hands and watched as she fled. He was being an asshole, he knew that. But it was self preservation. Anger was easier to deal with right then. Anger kept him from breaking down.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting on the floor of the emergency room, all he knew was that no one had dared to come near him since his last outburst. He wasn’t so angry anymore, he was back to feeling numb. He couldn’t bring himself to get up off the floor and leave the hospital. It was the closest he could be to Cas.

 

Strong arms wrapped around him, bringing him out of his unfeeling state. He snarled at whoever it was holding on to him, thrashing about, trying to break free of the hold.

 

“Dean. DEAN!” The arms tightened and he heard Sam’s voice.

 

Sam. His brother. Thank God.

 

He turned into his brother’s arms and held on for dear life. He didn’t know what else to do.  He wasn’t crying, he’d done most of that earlier. Instead, he was just holding on, trying to gain strength from the only family he had left.

 

“Dean, look at me. It’s not what you think.” Sam’s voice held a sense of urgency.

“The doctor tried to tell you earlier, but um you went kinda nuts.” Dean’s fists tightened at the mention of the doctor. Sam chuckled “Punching doctors, Dean? That’s low, even for you.”

 

Dean couldn’t understand how Sam was sitting there, joking around while Cas was _gone._

 

He tried to say as much, but his voice broke halfway through.

 

“Oh _Dean”_ His brother sounded exasperated but there was a hint of pity there too. “That’s what everyone’s being trying to explain, you just wouldn’t listen. “

 

He looked Dean straight in the eye and said “Cas isn’t dead, Dean. He was pretty banged up, but he’s in surgery. We won’t know how bad it is until he gets out. But he’s _alive_ Dean.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

It had been a few hours since Sam had told him Cas was alive. Dean had since apologized to both the doctor and the nurse for being such an ass. They seemed to understand that he was just scared for his friend. Scared didn't even begin to cover it. They had brought Cas out of surgery and he was lying on the bed with tubes coming out from all over him. He had a number of scrapes and gashes all over his body. He looked so frail and vulnerable right then. But he was alive, they could get through this.

 

 

Sam had tried to get him to leave and head home for some sleep, but Dean flat out refused. If Cas woke up during the night, Dean was going to make sure he was not alone. 

 

He settled into his painfully uncomfortable plastic chair, and waited.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's not how I imagined this chapter would end up going. I promise i'm still keeping to the original story that is based on the real life 40 days of dating project, however I felt like there needed to be something to get the story moving along a little bit... so that happened. 
> 
> I'm sorry if you didn't like how this chapter went, but i very much hope that you did enjoy it and will continue to read. 
> 
> Thanks!!!!


	5. Day 4

_Dear Cas,_

_It’s been two days since the accident and you still haven’t woken up. The doctors tell me that it’s natural and that your body is just healing, but I can see the worry on their faces. They told us when you first came out of surgery that it would be 24hrs tops before you would wake up._

_I’ve tried everything man; talking to you, telling stories, jokes. Jesus, Cas I even sang for you. Yeah that was fun to explain to the nurse when she caught me. Don’t laugh Cas, I know you would if you were here right now, but I even tried praying to the big guy upstairs._

_I’ve run out of ideas, and I’m real worried Cas. I think I’m starting to scare Sam. I haven’t left the hospital in days, I barely sleep, I can’t remember the last time I shaved, and yesterday I even ate a salad when Sam handed it to me. I think that’s when he really freaked out._

_The Doctors told me that you can hear me talking to you; I’m trying to talk to you like normal, but its just so hard Cas. Normally, I’d tell you a lame joke and you’d pretend it wasn’t funny, but I could always see the corners of your mouth move and your eyes crinkling at the edges. You could’ve fooled anyone else, Cas, but never me.  Now I tell you a funny story and there’s nothing. No reaction, no eyes rolling, and worst of all, no smile._

_I want you to come back to me, so I keep talking to you, trying to be normal and remind you that you belong here, with me. I keep talking; but it’s hard to say all the things I want to say to you, so I’m writing. Hey it passes the time, right? And I’m not writing about each of our dates right now. Besides my head is so full right now, I need to let some of it out and there’s no way I’m talking to Sammy. He just jumps at the chance to have some girly heart to heart conversations._

_You’re my best friend and I suppose now you’re my boyfriend too. Well for forty days, though I suppose that’s on hold now until you wake up. I promise, when you get better again we’ll keep doing this dating thing. As long as you still want to? I know it was all my idea, but I think you were enjoying it, you seemed really committed to making this thing work._

_So you gotta wake up, man. You promised we’d have forty days together at least. We’ve only had 3. Or well 2 and a half I suppose. But I’m holding you to your promise, Cas._

_40 days._

* * *

“Hey Cas” Dean looked up to see his brother gazing sadly at the man lying in the hospital bed. He turned his gaze to his Dean who had just woken up from a nap. He tried to unfold himself from the chair, his joints cracking as he stretched, he wasn’t getting the most restful night sleep in that chair, but he was with Cas and that was all that mattered to him.

 

“Hey Dean,” His brother threw him a brown paper bag, the smell of a burger and fries making Dean’s stomach growl.

 

“Oh my God, Sammy you’re my hero” he mumbled around a mouthful of fries.

 

Sam just shook his head, smiling. “So any news on Cas?”

 

Dean felt a familiar pang of sadness in his chest “Nah. Doc said everything’s the same.”

 

“He’s gonna wake up, Dean.” Sam said with conviction. “It’s Cas. He’s the most stubborn of all of us.”

 

That brought a small smile to Dean’s face “You’re right, Sammy. He’s gonna pull through.”

 

Dean thought for a moment, he’d had an idea earlier and he was going to need Sam’s help if he was going to pull it off.

 

“Hey Sammy, would you be able to grab some stuff for me and bring it back here? It’s kinda important.”

 

“Sure Dean. Just write a list and I’ll bring it back tonight when I come visit.” With the list in his hand and a quick smile at Dean, Sam left for the day.

 

Dean was so lucky his boss Bobby was like family, once he’d heard about Cas, he’d given Dean a week off work to stay with him. He honestly didn’t know what he would have done it he’d been forced to work, not knowing if Cas was awake  or whether he was still unconcsious. 

 

Dean passed the time much the same as the previous days he’d spent at Cas’ bedside; he talked to Cas, listened to some music, slept, read, ate and then slept some more.

 

He was midway through his second nap of the day, when Sam showed up again with food for Dean and a bag of things that Dean had requested.

 

“Heya Cas, here you go Dean.” Sam tossed him the food and placed the bag of items on the ground. “Do I even want to know what all this stuff is for?” He asked.

 

Dean stared down at his shows, his face burning “Don’t go all chick flick on me when I tell you, ok? It’s not a big deal so don’t get all emotional and want me to talk about my feelings and crap.”

 

He still refused to meet his brother’s eyes, it was a good idea in theory, but explaining his plan to Sam made him feel like a teenage girl. That was Sam’s specialty, not his.

 

“Look, I know Cas was really keen on this whole dating thing, and you know, I didn’t totally hate it either. So I thought maybe I’d keep doing it until he woke up. I mean obviously it wouldn’t count in our forty days because he’s not really participating,  but I’m here all the time and I thought maybe he’d wake up if he could find something to hold onto, something that means something to him and makes him want to wake up.”

 

He finally gathered enough courage to look at Sam. “I’m going to bring the dates to him. I’ll put on some movies or some music, something he totally should have seen by now, like Harry Potter. I’ll talk him through it and do all the things I’d normally do with him, except you know, I’ll hold his hand… or something. I really don’t want to explain myself to you Sam.”

 

His face was on fire now, the idea had seemed better in his head. When he put it into words it just sounded creepy. It was another weird thing between him and Cas, if Cas was awake, he wouldn’t need to try and explain himself. Cas would just understand, he always did.

 

The fact that Cas would know what he was trying to do for him, even if he wasn’t awake to say it,  was why Dean needed to do this for him. Sure it would probably seem like a stupid idea to most people, one sided dating. The whole point of going on a date is to be with another person right?

 

But Dean knew that if Cas really could hear him, then he was fighting to wake up. He was probably feeling scared and alone, so Dean needed to show him that there was something, _someone_ to come back to.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Alright Cas, date night.” Dean pulled his chair closer to the bed and started grabbing things from out of the bag. “We got some epic movies tonight, Cas. I really think you’ll like Harry Potter. It’s taken us so long to get around to it, but it was necessary. You were so uneducated in movies before hand so I had to start with all the classics, that took longer than I thought.”

 

He set up the portable DVD player inserted the disk for Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone. Then, he pulled out a small blanket and laid it on the hospital table, placing his burger and pie (thank God for Sam) as well as a beer on the top. He’d wanted some candles, just to make it seem more like a date, but obviously lighting candles in a hospital was practically a death sentence. So those were left out.

 

“Alrighty Cas, what do you think of all this?” He gestured at the table. “Dinner and a movie, that’s right Cas. I’m a classy lady, taking my man out for a real date.” He chuckled at himself, picturing the look that would have been on Cas’ face if he’d been awake. Exasperated but amused, despite his desire to ignore Dean’s immaturity.

 

 

 

They were midway through the movie, Dean explaining everything as they went. He moved his hand down the bed to find Cas’ and grabbed it, intertwining their fingers.

 

He held Cas’ hand for the remainder of the movie. Thumb stroking lightly over the back of his hand.

 

He didn’t know if Cas could feel what he was doing, but it felt right to Dean.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Dean woke to see the credits rolling, he blinked and rubbed his bleary eyes, realising he’d fallen asleep in the middle of a date. “Shit. Sorry Cas.” He croaked, his voice still gravelly with sleep. “What a crap date I am. I was supposed to be explaining the movie and I fell asleep.  I promise I’ll make it up to you.” He looked over at his friend and smiled, Cas was really a very attractive man.

 

He brushed the hair off Cas’ forehead and bent down, pressing his lips gently over the same spot. “Night Cas.” He whispered.

 

As his lips brushed Cas’ forehead, Dean felt the fingers he held loosly in his hand, tighten their grip. “Cas! Buddy is that you?” He gasped, reaching for the Nurse’s call button. He kept his eyes trained on Cas, looking for any more signs of movement.

 

A moment later, a nurse entered the room. “Dean, how can I help you?” She asked, smiling warmly. She was one of Dean’s favourites.

 

Normally he would have smiled, winked and flirted with her. Now, his attention was focussed soley on Cas.

 

“He moved! He gripped my hand! I know I wasn’t imagining it, I swear he really did it! Is he waking up?” He let out in a rush.

 

“Has he moved at all since you felt him squeeze your hand?” She asked.

 

Dean shook his head, he hadn’t taken his eyes off the other man.

 

“It could be a sign that he’s starting to fight his way back to conciousness.” The nurse started. “But, Dean. I don’t want you to get too excited. Sometimes these things just happen. Plenty of patients in coma’s have been known to jerk limbs or even open their eyes, but they don’t wake up immediately after. Castiel needs time to heal. You need to trust in him, trust that when his body is ready, when _he_ is ready, he’ll come back.” She patted him on the arm and made her way to the door.

 

“Dean, if he continues to move, call for me.” She smiled kindly at him as she left.

 

 

Dean felt his earlier hope and relief start to disappear, making way for the weariness that seemed to be his constant companion. For a moment he was sure Cas was waking up. But as with all things in Dean’s life these days, he was disappointed.

 

He settled in chair, ready to watch over Cas for the night. He kept his hand firmly intertwined with Cas’ the whole time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you all :) I hope you are enjoying the story so far. See I did tell you that I would continue their dating, it was just not really the way you would have expected! 
> 
> Oh also! Another thing, I realise that probably most people who are reading this won't live in Australia. Therefore we may have different names for the first Harry Potter book/Movie. Here it is Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone, I realise it is the Sorcerers Stone for many other people. I completely forgot that when I was writing so I apologize for any confusion there.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading xo


	6. Day 5

 

* * *

 

 

Dean blinked open his eyes, his mind groggy with sleep and his body protesting, aching all over after spending yet another night in a crappy plastic chair. He felt fingers softly carding through his hair, the feeling was making him sleepy again. His mother used to stroke his hair like that when he was a child, and he, in turn did it to Sammy when he was having nightmares as a child. It was a strangely comforting feeling. It felt like home, he mused sleepily. As he drifted into awareness, Dean realised he wasn’t dreaming the fingers playing with his hair. His head snapped up, green eyes locking with a pair of bright blue.

 

“Cas!” Dean practically through himself on the bed, grabbing Cas in a gentle hug, being mindful of his injuries and trying to avoid causing his friend anymore pain.

 

“Hello Dean” Cas rasped, his throat still raw from the tubes they had to use when they intubated him. Dean shuddered at the memory of Cas lying motionless with machines and tubes keeping him alive.

 

The stress of the past few days combined with the lack of sleep, as well as the relief of seeing Cas awake, finally came crashing down. Dean felt a wave of emotions come over him and he sagged back into Cas’ waiting arms. He buried his head into Cas’ shoulders, letting the tears that were escaping soak into the hospital gown. Cas continued to hold him tight against his chest, murmuring softly to him and soothing him. Dean had been strong for him, now it was his turn to hold Dean together.

 

 

* * *

 

“Okay Mr Novak, it looks like everything is going well. I think we’ll be able to have you out of here by tomorrow.” The doctor gave them a quick smile, closing his chart.  “Just one thing, with your injuries it will be hard for you to manage at home alone. Do you live with anyone?”

 

Cas shook his head, he hadn’t even given a thought to how much he might struggle on his own. He couldn’t go home to his family, that wasn’t even an option to consider. He supposed he’d have to hire a home nurse. He was working out the logistics in his head  when Dean spoke up. “He can stay with me Doc.”

 

He threw Cas a quick grin, “that ok with you, Cas?”

 

Castiel nodded quickly, having Dean around would be far more pleasant than a stranger.

 

“Ok then, I’ll be back in the morning to discharge you Mr Novak.” The doctor said as he left the room.

 

“Dean” Castiel began. “Thank you, you’ve done so much for me already, and now you’re letting me stay with you. I just don’t know how to thank you.” 

Dean rolled his eyes, an affectionate smile aimed in his direction “Don’t mention it , Cas. How much have you done for me over the years? Trust me, you won’t be thanking me after I kick your ass at Xbox and force you to sit through hours of Dr Sexy with me.”

 

Cas just smirked back at him. “Bring it on Winchester.”

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Castiel looked up from the bag he was packing, hearing a voice hollering all the way down the halls “today’s the day! Today’s the day! We’re getting out of this joint today!”

 

The nurse that was helping Castiel prepare to leave, helped him into his wheelchair. She just rolled her eyes, used to Dean’s antics after the amount of time he’d spent in Castiel’s room. “Sounds like your boy’s here.”

 

Dean skidded into the room, a huge grin on his face. “Nice wheels, man.” He said, nodding at the wheelchair.

“Shut up and take me to the car already.” Cas tried to sound nonchalant but he couldn’t keep the grin off his face for long. He was finally getting out of the hospital. The nurses were lovely and he couldn’t fault them for their care or their kindness. It was just that, well, the beds were lumpy, it was so noisy and the food was absolute shit. He was more than ready to leave.

 

By the way Dean was twitching with excitement, so was he.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

“Ok, so I’ve moved the TV into the main bedroom so you can watch TV from there. I’ll be on the couch so you can have the bed. And I’ve left your cell phone on the bedside table so if I’m out of you need me, you can call.”

Dean flitted around the room, fluffing pillows and clearing things out of the way. It was kind of amusing, Cas thought. He’d never seen Dean so concerned about a room before.

 

“Dean, I hardly think all this is necessary. I’d be just fine on the couch. You’re letting me stay in your appartment, it’s hardly fair that I take over your bedroom as well.”

 

“Don’t be stupid, Cas.” Dean protested. “You’ve got a broken arm, broken leg and a ton of broken ribs. There’s no way you’re sleeping on the couch. Plus you’ve just spent a week on a crappy hospital bed.”

 

“You just spent a week sleeping in a plastic chair” Castiel pointed out.

 

“well then, the couch will feel like heaven.” Dean shot back.

 

Obviously it was pointless for Cas to try and argue his point any further. Dean was too stubborn. Instead, he let Dean manhandle him onto the bed, he felt so bulky and awkard with his huge plaster casts. Apparently he was heavy too, by the way Dean was panting after he’d managed to get Cas settled.

 

They spent the rest of the afternoon watching Dr Sexy, Dean claiming you didn’t know good television until you’d seen Dr Sexy. Castiel didn’t quite understand the appeal of cowboy boots under scrubs, but he was content to lie there and watch. Dean was engrossed in the show, laughing at all the right moments and grinning everytime Dr Sexy cracked a joke. Cas was enjoying watching Dean more than the show.

 

The evening was going well, except from one minor incident with dinner. Castiel was humiliated when he discovered he was unable to cut up his chicken. Having Dean cut up his food made him feel like a child. He was quiet for awhile, too embarrassed to try and keep up a conversation, Dean smoothed things over when Castiel looked over to see him cutting up his own food the way he’d cut Castiel’s. Dean threw him a wink and claimed that it was far easier to eat on the bed that way anyway.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The apartment was silent when Cas woke the following morning, he’d fallen alseep some time during the Dr Sexy marathon apparently since he couldn’t remember Dean leaving the room. By the sounds of the faint snores he could hear, Dean was finally getting some decent sleep. From what Sam had told him, Dean had barely left the hospital the whole time he’d been unconcious.

 

He caught sight of the journal identical to his own that they’d been writing in when they’d begun the forty days of dating project. He’d seen it next to Dean at the hospital and now it was lying on the table next to the bed. He knew he probably shouldn’t read it, that it was private, but he couldn’t stop himself from reaching across and grabbing it. Inside there were pages and pages of letters addressed to him, written every day he was unconcious. He read through the first one, feeling Dean’s sadness so strongly that it felt like his own emotions. He’d never thought about how truly difficult it had been for Dean. He felt tears spring to his eyes as he finished reading, deciding then that these entries were never meant for him to read. They may have been addressed to him, but they were Dean’s most private thoughts and he wouldn’t read them unless Dean gave them to him.

 

Hearing the snores continuing to come from the couch, Cas decided to let Dean sleep for as long as he could. He wasn’t on his deathbed, he could manage a shower on his own for crying out loud. Dean shouldn’t have to help him with everything.

 

With some difficulty, he managed to manouver himself into his wheelchair and set about collecting everything he needed for a shower. He emptied his bladder, standing a gripping the chair for support, before sitting back down to undress and cover his casts in plastic wrap.

 

He realised his mistake when he stepped into the shower, putting all his weight on one shaking leg. He reached out with his good arm for something to hang on to, forgetting that it wasn’t the hospital shower. There was no railing to grab onto and steady himself. His hand brushed against smooth tiles and found nothing to hold on to. His leg shook with the weight of his entire body and he was thrown off balance. With nothing to steady himself, he collapsed in a heap at the bottom of the shower.

 

Almost immediately the bathroom door flew open, revealing a panic stricken Dean. “Cas! Jesus are you ok? What happened? Why the hell didn’t you wake me up?”

 

Dean bent down to check Cas over for any more injuries. “What the hell where you thinking Cas?” After finding no more injuries, his frustration became evident. “You know you can’t do these things on your own! What if I wasn’t home? You would have been stuck here with no one to help! How could you be so damn stupid?”

 

The humiliation of lying naked and helpless on the floor in front of Dean was too much, turning into rage to hide his mortification at how utterly uselesss he was. “Dammit Dean! I thought I’d be able to at least fucking wash myself.” He shouted back. “I’m worse than a fucking baby! You have to feed me and now wash me too? This is bullshit Dean. I’m twenty-five and I’m fucking dependent on you for everything.”

 

He stared down at the floor, unable to meet Dean’s eyes. “I just wanted to let you sleep. You’ve done enough for me and I didn’t want you to have to wash me like a child. You deserve better than this, Dean.”

 

“Yeah? Well look how that turned out! Like it or not Cas you need my help. It’s my fault you’re like this anyway so just let me fucking help you already.”

 

Castiel could hear the frustration in Dean’s voice, there was anger too, lots of it. He didn’t know whether if it was directed at him, or if for some reason, Dean was angry with himself. It was the guilt in Dean’s voice that got to him the most.

 

Somehow Dean thought _he_ was responsible for the accident?

 

“What do you mean it’s your fault?” He asked. As far as Castiel knew, it was a drunk driver. Unless that driver was Dean, there was really no way it was his fault.

 

“It was this stupid dating thing. I started the whole thing, I forced you into this. If you hadn’t been “dating” me, you wouldn’t have been driving out that night and you would be fine! It’s my fault.” The self hatred in Dean’s voice shocked Castiel, he couldn’t believe Dean actually though that was the truth.

 

“Dean listen to me, I was driving to see my favourite play. Whether or not we were dating I probably would have gone to see the play anyway.” He forced Dean to look at him. “This was _not_ your fault.”

 

Dean seemed to snap out of whatever guilt ridden mood he was in, realising Castiel was still lying naken on the wet floor, starting to shiver.

 

“Shit, Cas we gotta get you dry and warm before you freeze.”

 

“I still haven’t showered, Dean. I barely made it in the shower before.” Castiel said, dejectedly.

 

He looked up at Dean. “Maybe a part of the reason I didn’t call you for help was that I didn’t want the first time you saw me naked to be like this. I mean we’re dating right? And eventually that’s going to lead to sex. I just didn’t want you to see me as this weak, broken, completely unsexy person.”

 

Castiel’s cheeks were burning, it took everything he had to admit that to Dean.

 

Strong arms wrapped around his body, lifting him up off the ground. He felt soft towels drying his body. When he was finally dry and sitting in his chair, wrapped up in one of Dean’s warmest, fluffy dressing gowns, Dean spoke.

 

 “Cas, you’re beautiful. Every single part of your body. You’re not weak, not broken. You’re a survivor, a fighter. You’re so strong, smart, brilliant, kind and passionate about everything. If we do end up having sex in the future, _that’s_ the Cas I’ll see. And it’s the same Cas I see right now in front of  me.”

 

He let Dean put him into bed, exhausted already, even after doing so little. Dean was right, he shouldn’t have tried to do so much on his own so soon. It was stupid and he’d caused Dean so much stress.

 

He snuggled up close to Dean on the bed, feeling Dean’s arm reach around him to hold him close.

 

“I’m sorry Dean.” He whispered.

 

“Sleep Cas” Dean whispered back, gently kissing his forehead.

 

He smiled, then drifted off into a dreamless sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for the comments and kudos and for continuing to read.  
> Sorry I've taken forever to update but school's been kicking my ass so I've barely managed to get anything done the past few weeks.   
> Anyway I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, please let me know if you enjoyed it, hated it, didn't really care either way ;) 
> 
> Sorry about the awful ending, I suck at endings in case you couldn't tell!
> 
> Thanks for reading everyone!  
> xo


	7. Day 6 & 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Day 6 & 7 :)

Day 6

 

* * *

 

It had been a month since the accident and Castiel was back in his own apartment. He’d stayed with Dean for a few weeks, until he was able to move around on his own and become more independent. He was so grateful to Dean for looking after him for so long; it had been fun staying with Dean, but Cas was thankful to have his own space again. After their big fight, they’d laid down some ground rules and set some boundaries. After that, things seemed to go much more smoothly. Dean stopped smothering him and let him learn to work around his injuries, and in turn, he stopped snapping at Dean every time he came to help. They still bickered occasionally, but things were much better.

 

Castiel heard his phone start ringing in the other room. “Crap” he muttered, it took him twice as long to do things these days, he’d be lucky to make it to his phone before it stopped ringing. He hobbled into the kitchen just making it to the kitchen bench and his phone as it stopped ringing.

 

He looked at the number, it was Dean.  He figured he’d better call back quickly otherwise Dean might freak and think he’d fallen over or something ridiculous. The man seriously overreacted sometimes.

 

“Heya Cas” Dean greeted him. “Did you leave your phone in the kitchen again?” He sounded amused.

 

“You’d think I’d have learnt my lesson after the first three times I did it.” Castiel huffed. “The day I’m able to walk around on my own again will be the best day of my life” He declared.

 

That only made Dean laugh more, picturing poor Castiel hobbling around his apartment.

 

“Anyway” Dean began “I was just calling to check up on you, make sure you were all ok by yourself, you know, without me there to be your slave 24hrs a day.”

 

Castiel could picture the smirk on Dean’s face as though he was standing right in front of him.

 

He snorted “Yeah Dean, I’m lost without you here. However will I go on alone?”

 

Through his laughter Dean managed to reply “It’s like I can hear you swooning. Don’t worry baby, your big strong man is always just a phone call away.”

 

“Really? My big strong man? Aw Dean how sweet of you to call Sam for me” He grinned, waiting.

 

“Hey!” Dean cried. “Take that back! I’m way tougher than that little bitch”

 

“Ok Dean” Castiel replied in the most patronising voice he could muster up “you’re big and strong too”

“Damn straight” Came the reply.

 

Dean cleared his throat “Anyway, I actually called to ask you something.”

 

He paused and coughed awkwardly before continuing. “I was wondering if you were finished with the whole fake relationship thing, since it kinda landed you in hospital.”

 

There was a moment of silence as Castiel considered what Dean had said. Honestly he’d forgotten about it, so much had happened since the accident and he’d spent more time with Dean then ever, hell he even lived with the guy.

 

But he had really enjoyed the time they’d spent together going on “dates” it had been relaxed and fun and they’d gotten to do things they wouldn’t normally do together.

 

Surely it wouldn’t hurt to see this thing through to the end?

 

When Dean began speaking again he realised he’d probably taken way too long to reply.

 

“You know what, it’s ok.” Dean said quickly. “It was a stupid idea anyway and it’s totally fine if we end it now.”

 

“No!” Cas interrupted. “No Dean. I want to keep going. It was fun and I would like to continue.”

 

Realising what Dean had said, Castiel hurried to add “unless, of course you want to stop. Then we’ll stop. That’s completely fine”

 

Dean sounded immensely relieved when he replied “No I want to do it too, you’re right. Let’s see this thing to the end.”

 

They talked on the phone for a little while longer, mainly discussing trivial little things like work and TV, not that Castiel contributed much to the dicussion about TV. He prefered a good book to watching TV any day. Something he tried to convince Dean to try, yet was so far unsuccessful.

 

After another hour talking to Dean, Castiel hung up the phone. Sometimes he wished he was still staying with Dean, the constant companionship was a nice change from his usual empty apartment. He would have invited Dean over for the day, but he couldn’t afford to procrastinate any longer. He’d taken time off from work to recover, but he was well enough now to have work sent to him at home to complete since he still couldn’t make his way to the office every day.

 

Eyeing the intimidating pile of paperwork, he sighed and sat down to get to work.

 

* * *

 

 

 

Day 7

 

 

Wake up. Drink approximately eight cups of coffee. Eat breakfast. More coffee. Shower and dress. Another coffee just for something to do. Stare at the ever growing pile of work on his desk. Read a book. Glance over at the desk. Continue to read. Eat lunch. Clean the kitchen. Sit at desk. Stare at paperwork for 15 minutes.  Stare at the extrememly fascinating wall for awhile.  Actually work for awhile. Eat dinner. Read some more. Go to bed.

 

Wake up. Rinse and repeat.

 

Castiel’s days at home alone were all blending into one blur of procrastination and caffeine. He wouldn’t say he was particularly looking forward to going back to the office, but at least he’d have a change of scenery. Honestly he hated his job, his dream had been to teach. He loved watching people’s eyes light up with understanding and enthusiasm when he explained something  _just right_ and it finally made sense to them. He found such joy in sharing his knowledge with others.

 

That dream was taken away from him before it had a chance to come true. He tried not to dwell on the past, but sometimes it had a way of catching up to him.

 

 

* * *

 

For once, when his phone rang it was actually right next to him on the desk rather than in the kitchen where it would take him 10 minutes to reach it.

 

“Hello Dean” He greeted the other man warmly, welcoming the distraction.

 

“Heya Cas” Dean answered “You busy today?”

 

“No. Please tell me you’re calling to invite me somewhere that isn’t inside my apartment?”

 

Ok so he may have sounded a little desperate there.

 

“Yeah Cas” Dean chuckled. “Sam and Jess invited us out for a family picnic. I know, it sounds incredibly girly so it must have been Sam’s idea”

 

“Pick me up whenever, I’ll be ready”

 

He was so damn happy to be getting out of the apartment he didn’t care how pathetic he sounded.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Less than half an hour later, Dean was ringing his doorbell.

Castiel may have lied about being ready, he’d failed to remember just how long it took him these days to walk to his bedroom, let alone get dressed. 

 

 

Castiel yelled for Dean to let himself in with the spare key while he finished getting dressed. 15 minutes later, they were on their way.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Jessica Moore was an angel. There was no other way to describe her. She had a heart of gold, and she could cook like nobody’s business. Not to mention her gorgeous golden curls and smile that rivaled Dean’s for beauty.

 

And  _woah_ where had that thought come from?

 

 

Anyway, Jessica was the perfect match for Sam. Together they were almost  _too_ sweet. But Castiel envied their love for each other. Their devotion to each other was what everyone dreamed about for themselves, and he hoped one day he’d be lucky enough to have that for himself.

 

Being around such a close family brought up some painful memories for Castiel, as much as he loved the Winchesters like his own family, sometimes it was devastatingly obvious that he’d come from a completely different upbringing.

 

Castiel wanted nothing more than to be able to enjoy his day with the Winchesters and Jessica, but there was something dragging him down. Thoughts swirling around in his head that he couldn’t escape.

 

Even Sam announcing his and Jessica’s engagement couldn’t bring him out of his mood.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The drive back to Cas’ apartment was quiet. Dean tried a few times to make conversation, but the best Castiel could muster up was a halfhearted yes or no answer.

 

Finally Dean gave up. They drove in silence until they reached Castiel’s building.

 

After pulling to a stop, Dean turned in his seat to look at Cas.

 

“Man, what’s going on with you?” He asked.

“it’s nothing Dean. I’m just tired” He tried to leave it at that, but Dean was having none of it.

 

“Don’t give me that tired crap. You’ve been quiet all day today and it’s not you. Somethings wrong and we aren’t leaving this spot until you tell me whats up.”

 

Castiel sighed, when Dean got like this he was a stubborn asshole. He meant what he said and Castiel was not going to win that fight.

 

“Fine.” He glared.  “I received a call from my brother, Gabriel last night”

 

“Gabriel” Dean looked thoughtful. “He’s the one you still keep in contact with right?”

 

“Yes” Castiel replied “I talk to Gabriel occasionally, though he is usually travelling so it’s not as often as I would prefer.”

 

He took a deep breath. “He called to inform me that our father is gravely ill and is likely to pass away very soon. He has been asking for me and no one else thought to contact me.”

 

“Shit Cas.” Dean breathed, moving a hand to cover Castiel’s in a show of silent support. “So are you going to see him?”

 

Dean knew almost all there was to know about Castiel, but he had no idea what happened between him and his family all those years ago. Castiel was surprised that he’d never asked about it, but he hadn’t and Castiel was in no mood to explain.

 

“Yes, I suppose it would be best if I were to go.” He said stiffly. His family turned him into this foreign person, stiff and uptight. “I’ll be leaving in two days time.”

 

 

“So that’s it?” Dean sounded annoyed. Though Castiel couldn’t figure out why.

“You’re just going to take off on your own? And if I hadn’t cornered you here, you wouldn’t have even told me. You’d have just disappeared one day.”

 

Dean jerked his hand roughly away from its place on top of Cas’. “Real nice Cas. It’s not like I’m your best friend or the guy you’re supposed be dating.”

 

Castiel understood now. He’d been a little wrapped up in his own thoughts.

 

“look, Dean –“ He began but was interrupted by the other man.

 

“No I get it Cas. We’ll talk when you get back ok? Safe trip.”

 

With that, he turned away and waited for Castiel to get the message and get out of the car.

 

 

Watching Dean drive away from him hurt Castiel more than anything his family could have done to him.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Later that evening Castiel reached for the phone. He had to make things right with Dean, explain why he hadn’t thought to ask him to come. He couldn’t bear to leave with Dean mad at him, it made him feel like a part of himself had been torn out.

 

“What do you want Cas?” Dean asked, tiredly.

 

Cas’ voice broke. “I’m sorry Dean. Please don’t hate me.”

 

The silence tore at him the longer it dragged on with no answer from Dean.

 

“My family” he started “It’s complicated, I don’t talk to them and they don’t talk to me. We had a very messy argument and it ended with me leaving and promising to never come back. I don’t want to see them again. I never wanted to go back there and I didn’t want to drag you into some messy family reunion that will end in fighting and  hurtful things being said. I’m a terrible person around them and I didn’t want you to have to see all that.”

 

He waited.

 

“Cas.” Was all Dean said. His name. Yet somehow Dean managed to say everything in that one word.

 

“That’s what I’m here for you idiot” Dean said fondly. “I’m supposed to support you when you have bad things happen to you, but I can’t do that unless you let me.”

 

Castiel nodded, then realising Dean couldn’t see him, spoke. “Will you come with me to see my messed up, crazy family?” He asked timidly.

 

“Of course I will” Dean replied.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Castiel hung up the phone feeling lighter than he had all day. He still felt worn down and broken but knowing that he had Dean there with him, gave him the energy to keep going.

 

 

 

* * *

 

Just as he was settling in for a quiet night on the couch, the doorbell rang.

 

He opened the door to reveal Dean, grinning and holding movies and burgers.

 

“Indiana Jones, Cas” He grinned. “Classic movies. And burgers. Just a few of my favourite things.” He walked through the door and collapsed onto the couch while Castiel stared in amazement.

 

Somehow Dean knew exactly what he needed, even when Castiel didn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY! That's all I can say. I know this has taken forever to be posted, but life is hectic right now. I have exams and then holidays. Holidays are so close I can almost taste them, and that my faithful readers is when the magic will happen. I will have time (a foreign concept to me at the moment) and I will be writing more! That is a heartfelt promise to you all.
> 
> As for the following chapters, I think I will be combining a couple of days into each chapter because I'm realising that 40 days is a surprisingly long time. Who knew?
> 
> Anyway thank you thank you thank you all for continuing to read this story. I love you and I hope you enjoyed this chapter :D  
> xoxo


	8. Day 8 & 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean and Cas go on a trip to meet the family. Things happen.
> 
> Apologies for the awful summary, enjoy the chapter :)

Day 8

 

* * *

 

The previous few days were a blur for Castiel. He spent his time packing and finishing last minute jobs for work before he had to leave.

 

When the day finally came for him to go back home, he was a nervous wreck.  Dean was driving them to his hometown of Pontiac Illinois and he had arrived early in the morning so they could get on the road as soon as possible.

 

After a quick bite to eat, they were throwing Castiel’s bags in the car and on their way.

 

Dean seemed to understand Castiel’s silence, not pushing him for conversation. Instead, he left Castiel to his thoughts while he quietly hummed along to his music.

 

Castiel hated the way he was behaving; Dean was kind enough to not only come along to meet his crazy family, but drive him all the way there, and Castiel couldn’t even managed to hold a decent conversation with him.

 

It was a testement to how good a man Dean was, after Castiel explained the phone call from Gabriel and the situation with his father, Dean was a quiet, supportive presence. Not asking too much of Castiel, yet never letting him feel alone either. Even if the details Castiel told him barely scratched the surface of the problems between him an his family.

 

 

* * *

 

_Castiel’s eyes flew open and he glanced at the clock on his bedside table. 7:00am. The sun was up and shining brightly through his bedroom window. His family was sure to be up already though he couldn’t hear the usual sounds of them moving around downstairs, cooking, making coffee or watching TV._

_He grinned, they must be trying to be extra quiet. Maybe they were planning a surprise for him._

_It was his birthday, after all._

_Tweleve. He was twelve years old. Way too old for his brothers to tease him about being a baby now. He was a big kid now. No more being teased or pushed around by them._

_Tweleve year olds can do everything the bigger kids could._

_He’d been waiting for this birthday for years. He couldn’t wait to see what presents he’d gotten, or whether his mother had made a cake. He loved his mother’s cakes, she made the most amazing chocolate cake._

_Maybe they’d even have burgers for dinner. They usually ate very healthy, but it was his birthday and burgers were his absolute favourite food._

_Almost skipping with excitement, Castiel bounded down the stairs, landing at the bottom with a loud THUMP._

_“I’m UP everybody!” He exclaimed, waiting for his mother to appear from the kitchen with a cake or some presents._

_Nothing._

_He walked into the kitchen and saw his father sitting alone at the dining room table.  His head resting in his hands._

_Castiel grinned again, they weren’t going to fool him this year. He was twelve now. He wouldn’t fall for any stupid pranks._

_He started to move towards his father, sure he was hiding a present somewhere. All the while looking around the room for his mother._

_A hand grabbed his shoulder, stopping him from getting any closer._

_“Cas”_

_It was Gabriel. Castiel turned to him with a smile, only to be met with sad, red rimmed eyes._

_“C’mon little bro.” He murmured. “Dad needs to be alone right now.”_

_Castiel was confused. Where was his mother? Why did his dad need to be alone?_

_Gabriel sat down on his bed, patting the space beside him. Castiel jumped up next to him, looking towards his brother expectantly. What was going on?_

_Gabriel sighed._

_“Cas. Mom’s gone” Gabriel’s eyes started to water. He cleared his throat roughly and angrily swiped at his eyes._

_“She must have left in the middle of the night. Most of her stuff is gone too. W-we don’t know if she’s gonna come back.”_

_Castiel just stared at his brother. It couldn’t be true. Could it?_

_His mom loved them. She wouldn’t just leave!_

_It was his twelfth birthday._

* * *

“Hey, Cas!” Dean’s voice shook him out of his memory. “Where’s your head at, man?”

 

Castiel blinked, bringing himself fully back into the car with Dean. “My apologies, Dean” he said “I was just thinking.”

 

“It’s ok Cas. I’m sure you’ve got plenty to think about. I was just asking if you were hungry, there’s a diner coming up. We can stop for some grub. Take a break. Sound good?”

 

Castiel tried to muster up some enthusiasm. “Sure Dean. Sounds great.”

 

From the sad look Dean gave him, he was unsuccessful.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Lunch was uneventful, they ate mostly in silence. Dean making the occasional comment about the food or the drive, and Castiel nodding and managing a yes or no answer.

 

He made a mental note to make it up to Dean once this whole trip was over. The man was being incredibly patient with him.

 

 

After their short break for lunch, they were back on the road again, hoping to make it there by nightfall. Castiel gave Dean a fleeting but geniune smile as they pulled out of the parking lot before resting his head against the window and closing his eyes, hoping sleep would pass the time.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_The atmosphere was tense, just like it was every time they sat down as a family. Castiel barely managed to refrain from rolling his eyes at the situation he was in._

_Every Sunday it was the same. Had been since he was twelve. Sunday night family dinners. The only time his entire family would be in the same room together._

_Each dinner just as awkward and tense as the last. Forced conversation and tastless food. From the outside they are a happy family sitting down for dinner, on the inside, it’s a completely different story._

_Castiel could think of a thousand things he’d rather be doing. Ranging from sticking pins in his eyes to voluntarily joining the high school football team. Anything would be better than this._

_Tonights the night he’s coming out to his family. He’s not stupid, he knows they aren’t going to be supportive like Dean’s family was. The best he can ask for is that they’ll still let him live there._

_He could easily keep it a secret, but he was raised to believe that lying is wrong. His mother hated liars and as much as he sometimes hated her for leaving them, he wanted to grow into a man she would be proud of._

_He cleared his throat nervously. Five heads turned to look at him._

_“Um there’s something I think you should all know. I’ve thought lots about it and I’m absolutely sure.”_

_He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly before going on. “I’m gay.”_

_The sudden burst of noise took him buy surprise, though really he should have been expecting it._

_His father and two older brothers were standing and yelling at him, so angry their faces were beginning to turn red._

_Castiel held himself as tall as he could, trying to appear to remain strong and sure of himself while inside his heart broke and he wanted nothing more than to run far away._

_He could hear his father growling “He won’t have no faggot for a son” and his brothers sneering filth at him, faces twisting into ugly, cruel versions of themselves._

_“Your mother knew there was something wrong with you. It’s why she left. She couldn’t bear to live with an abomination.” His fathers words rung out. Louder than everything else. So clear that there was no way he was mistaken. He’d heard correctly. It was his fault. All of it._

_He felt like he’d been punched in the gut. He couldn’t breathe._

_He could see his older sister Anna silently crying at the other end of the table, not participating in the cruelty, yet not supporting him either. And Gabriel looking on in horror, occasionally trying to talk sense into his brothers and sending Castiel looks that said “I’m sorry” and “Why couldn’t you have kept it to yourself?”_

_Unable to stand it anylonger, Castiel gave in to his body’s instincts and ran. Ran as fast as he could away from his house. Only stopping once he reached the park and his house was out of sight._

_Then he sank to the ground and cried._

_Pouding footsteps came closer and closer. He should have expected this. Known his father and brothers wouldn’t leave him in peace._

_Hands yanked him up off the ground, holding him upright and stopping him from running._

_“Aw the little cocksucker was crying on the ground” a voice spat._

_Michael. Of course, his father’s favourite son. The most obedient._

_But there was two of them so the other must be Raphael. Michael’s right hand man._

_The first blow came to his stomach, making him double over in pain._

_He cried out when the second one hit his jaw. He received another to the face for making a sound._

_The pain wouldn’t stop, one blow would come, followed by another._

_The only thing keeping him upright was Raphael holding him up. He tried to plead, begging them to just leave him alone._

_It just made them hit harder._

_Eventually he was so close to losing conciousness that the pain felt distant, only mild throbbing. It became more bearable the more blurred his vision became and his brother’s voices sounded like they were miles away._

_He barely heard his brothers panic, their fear that they’d gone too far. He was thrown roughly to the ground and darkness took over._

_When he woke, he was unbearable sore all over. He didn’t think he could move at all._

_What was he supposed to do now? Going home wasn’t an option. But he had nowhere else to go. No phone, no clothes, nothing._

_He almost started to cry again when it hit him. He did have somewhere to go._

_Dean’s house._

_He might only have one friend at school, but that friend was the best he could ask for. He was always welcome at Dean’s house. Dean would take care of him._

_His place wasn’t too far from the park, Castiel could surely manage to walk there._

_Each step was agonising, but finally he was stood in front of Dean’s house. He knew it was rude to interrupt their night like this, but he had no other choice._

_He knocked._

* * *

 

Dean still didn’t know who beat him up that day 10 years ago. Doesn’t know that the family he’s on his way to see were the ones that almost broke him, both physically and mentally.

 

One day he’ll tell him everything.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Day 9

 

Castiel wakes up to Dean lightly brushing a hand over his forehead, moving his hair off his face. He looks almost sad to wake Castiel up.

 

“Hey buddy, time to get up.”

 

Castiel gave him a sleepy smile, still making his way back from the hazy sleep state he was in.

 

Then it all hit him, he wasn’t at home or at Dean’s. Today was the day he was going to see his family again.

 

 

“Ok, so I got us some food.” Dean said, pointing to the bags on the table. “Then what do you want to do first? Go to your house or the hospital? It’s up to you Cas, whatever you feel comfortable doing first.”

 

Castiel felt a rush of affection for Dean. He was being so careful to make everything up to him, let Castiel decide what he wanted to do. Castiel was sure that if he told Dean he wanted to turn around and go home, Dean would be in the car and taking him home without a second thought.

 

“The hospital I think would be best.” Castiel decided.

 

He didn’t want to choose either one, but he had to man up and face his fears. His father asked for him for a reason, Castiel was worried but he’d rather find out than live the rest of his life wondering.

 

“I want you to know that I’m completely fine with you staying here or going for a drive while I’m with my family” Castiel told Dean, trying to sound okay with the idea. “There’s no need for you to be subjected to my family too.”

 

 

Dean placed his hands on Castiel’s shoulders, keeping him in place and forcing him to maintain eye contact. “Cas, I came here for you. “ He said. “You’re shaking now, there’s no way you’re going in there alone.”

Although he tried not to show it, Castiel felt relief flood through him at Dean’s words.

 

He tried to sound confident and ready to face the people he’d vowed to never see again. “Alright. Let’s do this.”

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

By the time Castiel arrived at the hospital he was shaking like a leaf. Dean grabbed his hand and gave it a squeeze, anchoring him in a silent show of support.

 

 

“Charles Novak” Castiel asked the receptionist. 

 

She gave them a floor and room number and sent them on their way.

 

Soon they were standing outside the room that held Castiel’s dying father. It was now or never.

 

Squeezing tightly onto Dean’s hand, he stepped into the room and took a good look at the man.

 

Long gone was the powerful commanding presence that was his father. This man was pale, sickly and frail. Lying in a bed with tubes and machines all over him.

 

Castiel gulped, the man in front of him was nothing more than a shell. A dying body that revealed nothing of the man he used to be.

 

He wasn’t sure if his father was still that same man, if he still hated him so much. Maybe being ill had changed him, made him think about his life and his choices. Maybe he called Castiel here to apologise and ask forgiveness.

 

Castiel wasn’t sure if he was able to grant it.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“Castiel” croaked a weak voice from the bed. “Is that you?”

 

His father.

 

He sounded nothing like Castiel remembered.

 

“Yes father. It’s me” Castiel gripped Dean’s hand so hard he was sure the other man had to be in pain.

 

 

“I didn’t think…. You’d come” His father had to pause to take breaths inbetween words. The oxygen being supplied to him not helping all that much in the final stages.

 

“I’m sorry Castiel.”

 

He wasn’t sure he’d heard correctly, his father a man of too much pride and arrogance, apologising to his son. But his father continued.

 

“I was a fool. You were the kindest child… I had… no right to hurt you”

 

Castiel could tell that speaking was not easy, his father was panting, trying to gasp for air to continue.

 

He wanted to tell him to save his breath, stop talking and rest.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

He was stuck, standing mutely waiting to hear what else his father had to say to him after all this time.

 

 

“Your brothers, they don’t agree.  They still feel the same way”

 

Castiel felt his stomach plummet at the thought of his brothers still carrying their hatred.

 

“But I’m… so very sorry.” His father had tears in his eyes. “You’re mother would be… so proud of you… son.”

 

He gave Castiel a small pained smile “Can you ever… forgive me?”

 

 

Castiel was stunned, he’d hoped for this moment for years and yet never thought it would actually happen. He still hurt, remembering his fathers cruel words. But he was a man of forgiveness. He prided himself on being able to move forward and forgive those who deserve to be forgiven.

 

Wordlessly he nodded.

 

His father beamed and then shifted his gaze to Dean.

 

“Who is this?” He asked.

 

“This is Dean Winchester, my boyfriend.” Castiel stated, somewhat definitely.  Still expecting an argument.

 

“Does he treat you well?” His father rasped out.

 

“The best” Castiel answered, shooting a small smile at Dean, who in turn beamed back at him.

 

“Well… welcome to the family… son.” Charles smiled warmly at Dean.

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Castiel was in a daze the whole way back to the hotel. Years of anger and betrayal and now an apology. He was happy but conflicted, it was a great deal of anger to disappear over night.

 

 

The reached their room, Dean turning to him with the biggest grin, clearly thinking Castiel was estatic.

Seeing Castiel’s half-hearted smile, he suddenly realised how confused Cas must have been. He strode over and gathered the other man up in his arms, letting him let go of the tension from the day.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Castiel wasn’t sure what came over him. One minute he was being wrapped up in  a hug by Dean. The next, he was reaching his arms up and grabbing Dean’s face in his hands. Crashing their lips together.

 

When his brain caught up to his actions, he leapt back. Frantically apologizing to Dean.

 

It was one thing to fake date, but they’d never talked about getting physical with each other.

 

Dean didn’t even feel that way about him.

 

 

“God, Dean I’m so sorry. I don’t know why I did that!” Castiel was in a full blown panic. “It was just today and you were perfect and I was feeling so much and I just didn’t want to feel that way anymore. You were there and so _good to me_  and I just couldn’t _not._ ”

 

He looked down at the floor, avoiding Dean’s gaze. “Please don’t hate me for it”

 

“ _God_ Cas” Dean sounded frustrated. “Look at me! Dammnit!” 

 

Castiel did as he said.

 

“ I get it ok? Sure we haven’t talked about this yet, but we _are_ dating. Whether its only temporary or not, we are still a couple for now. You’ve have a rough couple of days so if you wanna kiss me and forget about things for awhile, you can damn well kiss me. Alright?”

 

Castiel just  blinked, Processing the information.

 

Dean rolled his eyes and strode towards him, backing him up against the wall and crashing their lips together once more.

 

If Castiel thought their last kiss was good, it was even better when Dean was taking control.

 

Castiel kissed back, their mouths fighting for dominance. He wrapped his legs around Dean’s waist and let the other man hold him against the wall surrendering control over to Dean.

 

Dean carried Castiel away from the wall and lay him down on the bed, climbing over him and straddling his body.

 

Their hands roamed over each others bodies, exploring them and memorising ever detail as they went. Clothes were thrown all over the room as they tore at each other, desperate for more skin to skin contact.

 

Their heavy panting was all that could be heard in the otherwise silent room.

 

“Dean” Castiel moaned, throwing his head back in pleasure. Finally no more layers between him and Dean.

 

“Dean” He panted “need to feel you. Need you in me now.”

 

“Yeah. Ok Cas. I gotcha. Hang on a sec” 

He saw Dean fumbling around on the bedside table for his wallet before pulling out some condoms and a packet of lube with a triumphant cry.

He couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re a regular boy scout, Dean Winchester”

 

Dean tossed him a lewd wink “Sure am baby. Always prepared”

 

He started to laugh but it quickly turned into a groan of pleasure when Dean touched him,  gently teasing around the rim before sliding a finger in and opening him up.

 

“You ok baby? Not too much?” Dean asked, watching his face carefully for any sign of discomfort.

 

“More-“ Castiel panted “Not gonna break”

 

Dean smirked, sliding in another finger in slowly and beginning to stretch him open.

 

Castiel was a writhering mess, sweating and panting. Gasping and crying out everytime Dean reached that spot inside of him that made him see stars.

 

“Dean now! I need it now! Hurry up” He just about growled.

 

“Fuck!” Dean swore “Okay Cas”

He rolled the condom on and slicked himself up before lining up and pushing in slowly.

 

Painfully slowly

 

“Jesus Dean. Hurry up or I’ll do it myself godammit!” Cas groaned, barely able to stand it. He needed Dean right the fuck now.

 

Dean thrust in and waited, giving him time to adjust.

 

“Oh God. Move Dean…. Please move” Castiel gasped out.

 

“Baby you look so hot like this. God so hot Cas” Dean whimpered pulling out before thrusting back in setting a steady rhythm.

 

“Dean.. Dean” was all Cas could manage, a series of breathy moans as Dean thrust deep inside of him over and over, hitting that sweet spot ever time.

 

Castiel was gripping Dean’s back so hard he was sure there would be marks there in the morning.

 

Dean’s hips started to stutter, his thruts becoming shorter and eratic.  
He was panting Castiel’s name over and over.

 

“So beautiful Dean. Come for me” Castiel whispered.

 

The other man gave one last thrust before coming. Collapsing against Castiel.

 Once his breathing calmed down again, Dean wapped his hand around Castiel and stroked him, bringing him close to the edge. He stared into Castiel’s eyes and brought their lips together in a kiss, sending Castiel over the edge.

 

Exhausted Dean got up to grab a towel, throwing the condom out and wiping them both down before collapsing onto the bed beside Castiel.

 

Castiel was almost asleep when he felt Dean lie next to him, pulling him closer and wrapped an arm around him before pressing a soft kiss to his temple.

 

 

He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so loved.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter for you lovely people who continue to read this story. Thank you all for sticking with it and being so very wonderful.
> 
> I apologise for the awful smut. I'm terrible at that but it needed to happen in this chapter :)
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the chapter xo


	9. Day 10 & 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas spends some more time with his dad and Dean learns about some of Cas' darker memories.

 

Day 10

 

* * *

 

 

 

Castiel stretched, feeling his muscles move after being loose and relaxed all night. He rolled over to the other side of the bed. It was cold, empty.

 

He opened his eyes, surely he hadn’t dreamed what happened last night?

 

Unless he was mistaken, he’d gone to bed with Dean. And yet, he was waking up alone.

 

God, he wanted things to be different with Dean. Maybe Dean was regretting what happened that night and he’d taken off. It didn’t seem like something Dean would do but sometimes sleeping together changes things in a way that isn’t always good.

 

Castiel closed his eyes again, sinking back down into the bed. Willing himself to fall back asleep, to deal with this later and go back to those peaceful moments when everything is calm and nice and nothing is wrong with his life.

 

Before he could make it back to sleep, the door to the room opened. He opened his eyes to see Dean trying to sneak back into the room.

 

He tried to ignore the relief that he felt seeing Dean, tried to pretend that being left alone in bed by Dean hadn’t hurt him the way it did.

 

He cleared his throat, alerting Dean to the fact that he was awake and there was no need to tiptoe slowly through the room.

 

“Oh, uh hey Cas.” Dean scratched the back of his neck, a gesture that Cas learnt over their years of friendship meant he was uncomfortable.

 

“I got us some coffee” He gave Cas a small smile.

 

Dean’s obvious discomfort made Cas uneasy, he clearly was feeling weird about their night together, but hey at least he was still there.

 

Cas pulled on some pants, noticing Dean averting his eyes while he did, then he sat down opposite Dean at the table, grabbing some coffee.

 

Well, might as well get all the weirdness out of the way early.

 

“Are we really going to have the awkward morning after?” Castiel asked Dean.

 

Sure, it was blunt. But sometimes it’s best to get straight to the point.

 

“Because if you regret what happened last night, I’d prefer to know now, rather than find out later in some massive argument down the track.” Castiel continued.

 

“What? No. Cas I don’t regret anything.” Dean sounded surprised that Castiel jumped to that conclusion. “How could I regret the best sex I’ve had in forever.” Dean recovered, trademark smirk in place.

 

“I don’t have any regrets, I promise you. It’s a normal part of dating and I’m glad I got to experience that with you.” Dean assured.

 

Castiel ducked his head, blushing.

 

Dean kept going “I guess I was just worried that things between us would change because of it. I can’t lose you, Cas. I need you.”

 

“Well, unless my dick has super powers that can turn you into a different person overnight, then I think we’re safe” Castiel said, wryly. 

 

“But for what its worth” Castiel continued “I need you too. You, Sam and Jess, you’re all I have and I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 

“alright, enough girl talk. I can feel myself growing ovaries” Dean grumbled, shooting Cas a quick smile.

 

“Ugh, sometimes I wish my dick could change you into a different person” Cas remarked. “Maybe you’d have a little tact.”

 

“You love me” Dean teased. “Now lets go see you’re dad again.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Things were still a little tense between Castiel and his father, they were getting along and enjoying spending some time together. But years of discord was hard to erase and two days wasn’t enough time for them to build a solid relationship.

 

Even so, Castiel was glad he’d gotten to start making amends with his father. He was proud of his father to changing his ways and accepting Castiel for who he was and embracing Dean like a part of their family.

 

That day when Castiel went to visit, his father asked him what he’d been doing all of the years they’d been apart.

 

“I’m an accountant, father” Castiel told him, not particularly enthusiastic about his job. That’s all it was to him, a means of making money and sustaining a comfortable life. He didn’t enjoy his job and it wasn’t something his was particularly proud to be doing.

 

A sad look passed over his father’s face. “Even though you weren’t near me… and we didn’t talk. I still managed to make your life miserable.” He panted. “For that, I’m truly sorry Castiel.”

 

“it’s ok father, I’m not miserable.” Castiel tried to comfort the man. “It’s only a job. Barely important.”

 

But it was, and most of the time it did make him miserable.

 

His dying father didn’t need to hear that though.

 

* * *

 

_He was 17 and living at home had been hell since he’d come out to his family. He hadn’t been kicked out, but he didn’t exist anymore. He supposed it was better than being constantly bullied and beaten by his brothers, but it was awfully lonely. He lived there, but no one talked to him or acknowleged him at all. It was like he had died and was a ghost roaming his own house._

_Which was why when Gabriel came to him one day with a message that their father wished to meet with him in his study, Castiel was confused._

_2 years without contact with any of them other than brief exchanges with Gabriel, and now his father wished to see him._

_Needless to say, he was terrified as he made his way to his father’s study. The last words spoken to him by the man were hurtful and cruel, and his father had made no attempt to smooth things over with him since. He hadn’t even looked at his youngest son._

_He knocked hesitantly, still trying to work up the courage to go inside._

_“Enter”_

_Came his father’s voice from inside._

_He walked in and stood nervously by the door, waiting for his father to speak. He didn’t dare address the man before he was spoken to._

_“Sit, Castiel” His father commanded._

_“Tell me your plans for college.” His father demanded, still not looking at him._

_“Well, Sir. I intend to study teaching.” He waited, the silence almost more unnerving than when his father opened his mouth._

_“You’d better not be playing around with me, boy.” His father growled, lifting his head to glare at his son._

_“N-n-no, Sir. I’m serious.” He stuttered._

_“You’re a Novak! Albeit a pathetic excuse for one, but a Novak none the less. And Novaks are accountants. Have been for generations. We don’t teach.” His father sneered with contempt._

_“But, Sir. I Don’t want to be an accountant.” Castiel tried to argue._

_“Oh, you don’t want to, do you?” His father’s eyes were flashing in anger._

_“Well then. You can find your own way to pay for college. Because the Novak money will not pay for you to be a teacher.” He spat. “Perhaps you can go work the streets for cash, like the rest of your kind.”_

_“Get out” he commanded his son. Voice cold and emotionless._

* * *

 

 

 

 

Dean managed to wait until they got back to the apartment to ask the question that Castiel was sure he’d been dying to ask all day.

 

“So, what exactly did your dad mean earlier, when he said he’d managed to make your life miserable even without being around?” He asked, trying to appear casual, as if he was just making conversation.

 

Castiel was tired. It had been a long day, every day was when his family were involved. He really didn’t feel like discussing his past with Dean.

 

“Not now Dean.” He snapped. “It’s been a huge day and I just want to go to bed.”

 

“Fine” Dean replied, hurt evident in his voice.

 

Castiel felt bad for being so short with Dean, but he was too tired to give it much thought, falling asleep before he could apologise.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

Day 11

 

Cas woke once more to an empty bed, looking around he saw Dean sitting at the table drinking coffee.

 

Then he remembered, he’d been inexcusibly rude to Dean the previous night.

 

He gave Dean a sheepish smile. “So I’m an ass” He said.

 

“Yeah, you kinda are, Cas” Dean agreed, warily.

 

“I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t mean to snap but I just wasn’t ready to talk about it so soon after my father brought up some painful memories for me.”

 

“It’s okay, Cas. I get it. It just stung a little, that’s all. I’ll recover.” Dean smiled, a genuine smile that time.

 

He offered Cas a coffee, a silent peace offering between them.

 

They sat in silence for awhile, drinking their coffee. Before Dean spoke again.

 

“So you were having a nightmare last night” He said, casually as if telling him what the weather would be like that day.  “You were calling out in your sleep, saying names. Michael and Raphael. Your brothers, right?”

 

Castiel could feel the colour drain from his face, of all the times for that to happen, it had to happen while he was sharing a room with Dean.

 

He’d just spent a month in Dean’s apartment after the accident and it didn’t happen once.  Obviously being around his hometown and his family was stirring up all sorts of memories for him.

 

“You were pleading with them” Dean continued, watching Castiel closely for  a reaction. “Begging them to stop something. “

 

He got up and kneeled in front of Cas, putting his hands on his knees to centre him. “Talk to me Cas. Please.”

 

Castiel knew he couldn’t hide the past any longer, it had finally caught up to him and it was time for Dean to find out.

 

He decided to start with what his father said in the hospital, the least painful memory first, it was by no means an easy memory to talk about but he knew as soon as he told Dean what his brothers had done to him so many years ago, he’d be livid and Castiel needed to be able to tell him everything or he wouldn’t do it.

 

He looked Dean straight in the eye and began “Remember what my father told me yesterday?”

 

 

When he was finished explaining how he ended up as an accountant, Dean was shocked.

 

“But, that’s blackmail!” He exclaimed.  “He forced you to study something you hated and it made you miserable.”

 

“It’s okay, Dean.” He tried to calm him “It’s not that bad. Sure, I don’t enjoy it but it could have been worse. At least he kept a roof over my head and gave me food. He could have kicked me out.”

 

“Cas” Dean looked at him, an idea obviously coming to mind. “You could still do it you know?”

 

“Do what?” Castiel asked, confused.

 

“Teach!” Dean said earnestly. “You’re still young, there’s plenty of time to go back to college and become a teacher. You know I’ll help you if I can.”

 

Castiel grinned. Who knows, maybe he just might.

 

“Thank you Dean” He said, trying to convey through his voice, how much it meant him him that Dean cared so much.

 

“There’s more  I need to tell you, and what I have to tell you next is something that no one outside my family knows.”

 

Dean nodded.

 

“Remember that day I turned up at your house, we were 15 and I’d been beaten so badly I could barely stand?”

 

Dean’s eyes clouded over “Of course, like I could ever forget seeing you like that. I was so scared, I thought you were going to die.”

 

Cas laughed humourlessly “So did I”

 

“That was the night I came out to my family. My father and older brothers didn’t take it so well. My father yelled and said awful things to me. But my brothers – well they did more than yell, if you get what I’m saying.”

 

He heard Dean gasp as he realised what Cas was telling him.

 

“You mean, they were the ones that hurt you? You weren’t mugged by some strangers?” Dean’s face was twisted with rage.

 

“Your own brothers! They were supposed to _protect you_. Keep you safe from all the people in the world who might want to hurt you! You trusted them and they beat you to hell!”

 

His face changed from rage to guilt. “And I, I let you go back to that house. Straight into the most dangerous place for you to be. “

 

He grabbed Cas by the shoulders “Did they hurt you again when you went back home?”

 

Castiel shook his head, no.

 

“Where do they live, Cas? Where the hell can I find them. They hurt you and you were a kid. They deserve to be hurt for what they did. You were their baby brother. It’s not right!” Dean was livid, pacing the room muttering “It’s not right” over and over.

 

“Dean!” Castiel called out, stopping him from pacing. “Please don’t. Just calm down. I want to leave this all in the past. You needed to know because it’s a part of who I am and I want you to know me. Please don’t do anything crazy, just stay with me.” He pleaded.

 

Dean crossed the room, dropping down beside him. “I just hate the thought of anyone hurting you, and that you couldnt talk to anyone about it.”

 

“I know Dean. But I’m alright now. Being around my family has obviously brought up some memories but It’s nothing I can’t handle. Not if I’ve got you to talk to now.” He smiled at the other man who managed a small smile in return.

 

“Dean, just know that none of it was your fault. No one knew it was my brothers, you couldn’t have done any more for me than you did. You were the one thing that gave me any sort of happiness during those years. Remember that.” He gave Dean a small kiss on the cheek.

 

“Lets what some TV.  I saw a Harry Potter rerun on.” He winked at Dean “I know you’ve been dying to make me watch them all again, so come on.”

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They’d both fallen asleep at some point in the movie, the noise of a phone ringing, waking them up.

 

Castiel picked up his phone from the bedside table “Hello?”

 

The voice on the other end kept talking but Castiel barely heard what she said, all he heard was “I’m very sorry Mr Novak. Your father passed away this morning. There wasn’t enough time for everyone to come say goodbye.”

 

He didn’t notice his knees buckling or Dean catching him and placing down on the bed, before prying the phone out of his hand and finishing the conversation.

 

He vaguely registered Dean sitting down beside him and saying something, but he was frozen. His father dying shouldn’t mean anything to him. He’d spent two good days with the man but he’d caused 10 years of pain for Castiel. He shouldn’t care, he didn’t _want_ to care. But he did.

 

Dean wrapped an arm around him, pulling Castiel against his chest and stroking his hair. He let himself be enveloped in Dean’s warmth, feel safe and cared for by the other man.

 

The tears came unbidden by him, they started and they refused to stop. He cried for his mother, the pain he felt when she left and he didn’t understand why. He cried for the pain his father put him through and the loss he felt so deeply sometimes when all he wanted was to have a family and instead he was left with a gaping hole and pain that they left him with.

 

He cried, and Dean held him until he fell into an exhausted sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm on a roll, look at all the new chapters I'm coming out with. I have no classes or work at the moment so I have plenty of time to NOT study and write more of this instead :) Yay for you guys, not so yay for me if I fail my exams. 
> 
> Oh well :D I hope you enjoy this chapter   
> xoxo   
> Thanks for continuing to read, each and every one of you are awesome!


	10. Days 12 - 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. First things first SORRY FOR TAKING SO LONG. I felt like that needed to be in Capslock because I am so incredibly sorry for taking forever and ever to post new chapters. I had exams and then writers block but hopefully I'm back on track now. 
> 
> I'm also working on something new which hopefully you will all enjoy, I'll post it when I finish writing it which may be a little while yet :) Something to look forward to. 
> 
> This is a short chapter, however I have another one that i'm going to post straight after I post this one. 
> 
> Thanks again for reading and sticking with me as I make my way slowly through this fic! I love you all xoxo

* * *

 

 

The funeral was uneventful, stiff and formal like most Novak family events. Castiel and Dean stood at the back of the room, wanting to be present for the funeral but avoiding Castiel’s brothers. His father may have welcomed him back, but his brothers would do no such thing especially now that their father was gone.

 

The service was quick and soon Castiel and Dean were making their way back home, leaving all the drama from the weekend behind them.

 

Being home was such a relief for Castiel, he missed having Dean around constantly but being in his own apartment and miles away from his brothers lifted a huge weight off his shoulders.

 

It had been a week since the service and things had really started to get crazy at work for Castiel, he was getting to work early and leaving well after dark. As much as he was grateful for the work keeping busy leaving little time to think about his father, it also left him very little time to see Dean.

 

The rules they’d set for the dating experiment said they had to see each other everyday but finding the time that week had been near to impossible. Instead they talked on the phone every night before bed. It wasn’t the same as seeing each other, but given the circumstances it was the best they could manage.

 

Things were somewhat tense since they’d come home. Well, for Cas anyway. He wasn’t sure if Dean had picked up on his weirdness over the phone but if he had, he hadn’t mentioned it. It seemed as though they were in their own separate world when they had gone to visit his father, and in that other world they’d become even closer and done something neither of them could forget.

 

It wasn’t as though Castiel was a blushing virgin or was saving himself for someone special, he liked sex just as much as anyone. But as easy as it was to forget that this thing with Dean wasn’t real, when he left the safety of that hotel room and faced the light of day, he was undeniably scared.

 

* * *

 

Dean had been incredible while they were away, he seemed to know exactly what Castiel needed and he gave it to him. Sometimes all he needed was silent support, other times he needed to rant, cry and hit things. No matter what, Dean was a constant presence and Castiel was incredibly grateful to have had him there. The problem was, the night he’d needed something different. Something that a friend couldn’t give him, but a boyfriend could. And technically Dean was his boyfriend. It wasn’t something they could take back or forget, not that Castiel necessarily wanted to forget. It really was an amazing night after all.

 

 

 

 

He slept with his best friend. One of his _only_ friends. They swore it wouldn’t change anything between them but who were they to make such promises. They couldn’t control the future, who knows what would happen. But that wasn’t all.

 

The worst part, Castiel craved more. Every time he’d close his eyes he’d see green eyes darkening with lust, dragging slowly over Castiel’s body from head to toe. He’d feel Dean’s toned, firm body underneath his, feel his hands lifting him and holding him up against a wall. His mouth, God Castiel could get lost thinking about Dean’s gorgeous mouth and the things he’d yet to do with it.

 

It was driving him crazy. He shouldn’t want these things, what he was feeling was far too real for their fake relationship. He had to stop before he was in too deep. Before these feelings turned into something that would lead to his heart getting broken.

He needed to get a grip, and fast. There was only so long he could avoid Dean.

 


	11. Days 16-18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, here is a longer chapter as an apology for the awful and short one I posted earlier. Writer's block struck and I could not figure out how to get that chapter going so between you and me, I kind of gave up on it... 
> 
> Anyway, here is a new chapter. I figure after tonight's episode we could really use some happiness since my heart feels like it was ripped out and stomped on. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

 

* * *

 

“Lazy dates” Cas could hear the grin in Dean’s voice.

 

“Lazy dates?” He repeated, still trying to figure out why Dean had called him at 8:00 in the morning  to say those two words.  “Care to explain, Dean?”

 

“Ok so you know how we rarely agree on things to do for our dates?” Dean started. “You know, like that time I wanted to go see the new Star Trek movie but you wanted to go to some weird poetry reading instead. We were both unhappy and it sucked.” Clearly by the sound of Dean’s voice, he was still bitter about missing out on seeing the film that night. Castiel never claimed to be entirely innocent, he knew the power his large blue eyes could have over people.

 

“Really, Dean it was a reading of William Wordsworth’s greatest works. It was not to be missed.” Castiel sighed, they’d had this conversation more times than he could count.

 

“Yeah whatever. Anyway my point is we don’t agree on much, but I have a solution. Lazy dates! We go to one of our apartments, cook dinner together and have a lazy night in with a movie or something. That way we still see each other, but we avoid the inevitable irritation when one of us doesn’t get our way.” He sounded incredibly proud of himself for thinking of the idea.

 

“You mean, when _you_ don’t get your way.” Castiel corrected him. “I’m perfectly mature about it when we decide to do something of your choice. There is no irritation from me.” He pointed out.

 

Dean scowled. “Seriously though, what do you think? Sound like a decent idea or what?” He questioned.

 

“I’ll agree, the idea does sound more enjoyable than some of our previous attempts at dating.” Castiel remarked.

 

“What, you mean like you ending up in hospital wasn’t the greatest date you’ve ever been on.” Dean gasped, eyes open in mock disbelief.

 

Realising what he’d said, Dean winced. “Too soon?”

 

“Dean, that was weeks ago. I’m perfectly fine.” Castiel shook his head, sometimes it seemed as though Dean was more affected by the accident than he was. “I think we should give these lazy dates a try.”

 

“Awesome. My place tomorrow night.” Said Dean gleefully. “Bring beer!”

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Heya Cas, come on in.” Dean opened the door to his apartment dressed in a pair of sweatpants and his favourite Led Zepplin T-shirt.

 

“Glad to see you made yourself look pretty for our date.” Castile remarked sarcastically.

 

“Lazy date, Cas” Dean reminded him, throwing a wink over his shoulder as he made his way into the kitchen. “Comfort is key.”

 

Castiel walked into the kitchen to see ingredients covering the bench. It appeared to be everything they needed for a pizza, except for one key thing.

 

“Dean where’s the pizza base?”

 

“I thought we could try making it from scratch.” Dean told him with a grin. “I found a recipe online so I thought it might be fun.”

 

Castiel had never tried making the base from scratch, why would he when there were perfectly good bases at the store? But he had to admit, the idea did sound like fun.

 

 

Soon they were mixing ingredients and working on creating a dough for their base. He thought he’d had all his unwanted thoughts about Dean under control, he’d managed to stop seeing Dean naked every time he shut his eyes, so that was a plus. He realised he wasn’t as successful as he’d originally thought as he found himself smiling at the way Dean’s eyebrows furrowed in concentration when he was chopping ingredients or the way he squinted adorably at the recipe because he hated admitting that he needed his glasses. Yeah, he’d totally fixed whatever problems he was having after sleeping with Dean. Completely under control.

 

 Castiel was reaching for the salt when he was engulfed by a cloud of white. It hit the side of his face and exploded, white powder flying everywhere accompanied by a loud bark of laughted from Dean. 

 

Castiel turned to Dean, looking through a haze of white. His eyelashes coated in white, little puffs of flour coming off his mouth everytime he exhaled. He tried to look menacing but evidently he just looked even more ridiculous as Dean clutched his stomach, cheeks turning red with laughter.

 

Castiel saw his opportunity when Dean closed his eyes and threw his head back in another laugh. He grabed a handful of tomato paste and hurled it at the other man’s face. It hit Dean’s cheek with a wet splat. This time the laughter belonged to Castiel. There was red sauce dripping down Dean’s face, hanging off his eyelashes and running over his plump lips.  Okay, Castiel _so_ wasn’t imagining himself licking the sauce off Dean’s lips because that’s _not_ what friends do.

Friends. That’s all they would be after the 40th day and this whole thing was over. And friends don’t think about licking sauce of each other’s bodies. 

 

 _Get a grip._ He told himself firmly.

 

He didn’t have much time to dwell on it however, tomato sauce splattering across his cheek.

 

Oh it was on.

 

 

* * *

 

 

They ended up ordering a pizza instead. The kitchen was a disastor zone and both men where covered in food on the floor where they’d ended up sitting after they were laughing so much that standing became difficult. They’d surveyed the mess that they’d left and agreed that homemade pizza’s were overrated. Ordering in was the way to go.

 

“I think a shower is in order for both of us.” Castiel recommended after they had finally stopped laughing. “I’ll start cleaning up while you have the first shower.”

 

“aww but the shower’s plenty big enough for the two of us.” Dean drawled, flashing a flirty smile at Cas.

 

Castiel felt himself turning bright red, the cover of white flour and red sauce actually doing him a favour and hiding his obvious embarrassment. Sadly they could do nothing to help him form a coherent sentence.

 

“I- I- I t-think. It’s better… nevermind.” He gave up on trying to speak. Obviously that wasn’t going so well for him. Instead, he did what any brave man would do in the face of extreme embarrassment. He turned and fled further into the kitchen leaving a confused Dean in his wake.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Hey Cas, shower’s free.” Dean called walking into the kitchen. Of course the man couldn’t have bothered to get dressed before coming to find him, Castiel thought. Dean’s towel hung low on his hips, revealing his toned body that glistened with water. If Castiel wanted to lick the pasta sauce off Dean’s face earlier, it had nothing on what he was imagining doing to Dean now.

 

“Earth to Cas” Dean’s hand was waving in front of his eyes, snapping him out of his extremely inappropriate fantasy.

 

“R-r-right. Erm okay I’m going now” He stammered, willing his pants to stop tightening. There was no way he was jacking off in Dean’s shower while he was right next door.

 

He had to put an end to these feelings  _now._

 

 

* * *

 

 

After both the kitchen as well as Dean and himself were cleaned up, they ordered a pizza and put on The Fellowship of The Ring a favourite of both of theirs. Their aim was to get through the triology on the one day. A daunting and seemingly impossible mission, but they were brave men and they would try their very hardest.

 

Halfway through the second movie, Castiel felt Dean’s head come to rest on his shoulder. Startled; he looked down to see Dean sleeping soundly, body curled up as much as he could fit on the couch with the two of them sharing and his head on Castiel’s shoulder where it had landed after he’d moved into a more comfortable position in his sleep.

 

Castiel stared down at Dean, his features totally relaxed as sleep took away all the stress or worries that might have troubled him. For a young man, Dean always seemed to have the weight of the world on his shoulders. His face; while beautiful seemed weary and his eyes held a deeper sadness that appeared when he let his guard down.

 

Castiel knew that Dean had a hard childhood, hell he’d been there for a good deal of it. Dean practically raised his brother after their mother had passed away. John Winchester was once a good man, a kind and loving man. Once his wife was gone, he became a shell of his former self and he turned to alcohol to solve his problems. Luckily for the boys, he was a functioning alcoholic meaning he could  work and bring in some of the money but once he was home, he was lost in the bottle. Dean worked a couple of jobs in high school to bring in some extra money, but his real job was to be there for his little brother.

 

For Castiel, seeing Dean with Sam was such a foreign concept to him. His brothers had never interacted with him the way that the Winchesters did, the love between them and the way Dean was so proud of everything that his little brother did, was something that Castiel had never experienced.  Dean was an extrodinary child and an even better adult but he judged himself too harshly for any failure.

 

Castiel rarely saw Dean truly relaxed without all those walls he worked so hard to build and the cocky persona he hid behind. All that was left was the childlike innocence that Dean never really had a chance to experience. Castiel was content just to watch over him and make sure nothing disturbed his peace. For all his life, Dean looked out for others. Now, Castiel resolved he would do the same for him.

 

Despite his protesting body and aching muscles, Castiel stayed as still as possible for the rest of the movies. The fact that he couldn’t bear to wake Dean, instead ignoring the pain in every part of his body was the final straw. There was no going back from the feelings he was developing for Dean.

 

He was so screwed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about any grammatical errors/spelling errors. I will go back and read over it but I wrote this after a late night and then that awful SPN episode so I was emotionally unstable. My apologies for any mistakes :) 
> 
> Thanks for reading xoxo


	12. Day 18-20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there remember me? You probably don't because it's been so long since i've posted a new chapter. I have two words for you: WRITERS BLOCK.  
> Okay so two more words, I'm sorry!!!  
> I know it's been far too long since i've updated but I promised early on that I would see this story through to the end and I still intend to do that. I've started writing out the final chapters (although they are still ages away yet so don't stress if you don't want the story to finish just yet!) so that I have an idea of the direction I need the story to go. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for sticking with me and my procrastinating as I attempt to write more chapters and post them for you. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter :)  
> Please leave me any feedback in the comments below, it's super motivating and i'm in some need of that these days!
> 
> xo

* * *

 

 

Cas was absolutely swamped with work. For some reason his insufferable boss had decided that Castiel wasn’t doing enough work already and had dropped an enormous pile of paperwork on his desk first thing that morning.

 

His boss was just one of the reasons Castiel hated his job. Everything about the man was thoroughly unpleasant, a fact that was confirmed when he still refused to promote Castiel or at least give him a raise, yet continued to bury him in piles of work.

 

His situation reminded him of a fairytale, Castiel mused. It was Mary Winchester’s favourite story. She used to read it to them sometimes, Dean pretending he was too old for fairytales but hanging on every word once the story started getting interesting. Rumpelstiltskin it was called, and looking at the pile of work he’d yet to complete, Castiel could imagine far too easily that he was the one who was forced to spin straw into gold by morning.

 

It was already lunchtime and Castiel had only managed to work through two of the accounts that were given to him. There was no way he’d be leaving the office at a reasonable hour. That would make it the third day already that week that he’d spent late at the office. He was barely functioning, relying heavily on the bitter sludge they tried to pass off as coffee in the office.

 

He realised with a sinking feeling that for the third time this week he’d be calling Dean to cancel their plans for dinner. The first and second time he’d called off their date, Dean had been incredibly understanding, knowing that Castiel was having a tough time at work.  He didn’t think Dean would be too pleased that he was cancelling for a third time, especially since he knew Dean had decided to cook for him that night.

 

Dean thought Cas needed a night to relax and unwind so he’d announced that he’d be cooking dinner for the two of them. A nice meal and maybe a warm bath was exactly what the doctor ordered, or at least it was according to Dean.

 

And how Cas had been looking forward to it. A bath with Dean, submerged from the neck down in warm water and bubbles. Leaning back against Dean’s chest and feeling the hard ridges of the body he’d hardly dared to think about since those new feelings had made themselves known to him. Feelings, he desperately tried to evade. It sounded heavenly with a healthy side of torture as he briefly grasped what he could never keep, savouring each moment while it lasted.

 

Perhaps there might have even been a repeat of what had happened in their motel room while they’d been away visiting his family. They hadn’t done anything like that since they’d returned. Perhaps being in their own home made everything become real and the fantasy they’d been living was left behind in the anonymity of the motel room where an infinite number couples had come and gone before them, each with their own short-lived fantasy.

 

  

Whatever may have transpired that evening was completely out of the picture now. Castiel sighed, picking up the phone and dialling Dean’s number.

 

With each dial tone he felt worse, hating that he was constantly cancelling on the one person in his life who was only thinking of him and trying to something incredibly sweet for him.

 

 

“Hey Cas.”

 

Castiel could hear the smile in Dean’s voice as he answered.

 

“Hello Dean.” He replied, weariness creeping into his voice.

 

There was a barely audible exhale on the other end.

 

“You’re calling to cancel again aren’t you.” 

 

Cas could hear the disappointment in Dean’s voice.

 

“I am so sorry Dean. I was very much looking forward to our evening together but Mr Roman has given me a great deal more work to complete before the meeting tomorrow morning.” He hoped his voice conveyed how much he regretted having to cancel.

 

“Dammit Cas! You’ve got to do something about this guy. You can’t keep living this way, staying at work until a ridiculous hour and relying on caffeine instead of sleep. It’s not healthy man.”

 

This was not the first time Dean had tried to persuade him to do something about his boss. Sadly, Castiel didn’t know what he could do. He needed the job and that mean’t he had to deal with his boss.

 

“I know Dean. “ Castiel agreed, mainly to calm the other man before he got  worked up. An angry Dean was not something he needed to deal with that day.

 

“I have to go, I’ve still got so much to do and I can’t afford to waste time. I’ll speak with you tomorrow Dean.”

 

 

“Yeah alright Cas. Try and get out of there before midnight tonight alright. And don’t forget to eat!”  By Dean’s tone, it was obvious that he suspected Castiel had neglected to eat most nights he was working late.

 

 

Sadly Castiel noted that Dean never mentioned making any plans for the following night.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Castiel dragged a hand over his eyes wearily and looked over at the clock.  8:00pm already and he was still knee deep in paperwork. At this rate he’d be lucky to leave at midnight.

 

He looked up from the mess on his desk when he heard a soft knock at the door, he saw Dean standing shyly in the doorway. It was the first time Dean had been to his office, Castiel thought, surprised. After all their years of friendship it was the one place Dean had never been.

 

“I hope you don’t mind some company.” Dean flashed him a quick smile, holding up two paper bags. “I come bearing food.”

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So,” Dean broke the silence that had taken over the room while the two of them ate, Castiel not realising how hungry he had been until he’d smelt the burgers Dean had placed in front of him. “This isn’t exactly what I had planned for tonight but I pride myself on being able to adapt and if this is the only way I get to spend time with you these days, then I’ll take what I can get.”

 

“This is wonderful Dean.” Castile said sincerely. “I probably wouldn’t have eaten tonight if you hadn’t come here.”

 

“Well I’m pretty sure we can’t do the whole bubble bath thing here.” Dean winked. “But I’m pretty sure you’ve been sitting hunched over your desk all day and you must have all kinds of knots in your neck and back.” He stood and moved to stand behind Castiel who twisted his head around to see what Dean was doing.

“How about a neck massage instead?”

 

 

Castiel felt strong hands on his neck and firm pressure as Dean’s fingers worked out all the kinks in his neck. Castiel fought the urge to moan as Dean pressed down on a particularly tight spot. He could feel all the tension and stress of the day slowly draining from his body. So maybe it wasn’t a naked, wet Dean, but it was the next best thing and Castiel was certainly not complaining.

 

He closed his eyes, once again holding back a breathy moan which would certainly give the wrong impression should there be anyone else working late like him. He felt the hands on his neck go still, he turned and opened his eyes, his vision filled with a brilliant green, Dean’s face inches away from his own.

 

His breath hitched as he watched Dean’s tongue dart out and moisten his lips, the lips Castiel had craved like it was water and he was a man stranded in the desert. Before he could talk himself out of it, he closed the remaining distance between them and captured Dean’s lips with his own.

 

It was chaste but no less passionate than the first time they’d kissed, Dean’s fingers ran through his hair and his quiet whimpers were swallowed by Castiel like a secret that only he got to hear.

 

When they broke apart, the only sound in the room was the soft panting of breaths until Dean spoke. “I’ve wanted to do that since that night in the motel.” He admitted, gaze firmly fixed to the floor.

 

“Me too.” Castiel said with a grin, leaning back in to feel Dean’s lips against his once more.

 

* * *

 

 

The two men were so wrapped up in each other that neither of them noticed the figure lurking in the hall who silently crept away, contemplating what to do with what they’d seen.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
